OK. So, I had my first official counseling appointment today. That was fun.
Lots of reflecting going on. Reflection on why I think the way I do. How I plan to fix it. What could I be telling myself instead of negative self talk?
Let me just talk for a second here. I'm sorry, but isn't that what they are supposed to be telling me?? I know I know. You can't make the change until you want to make it or whatever it is they say. Of course I want to make the change! I wouldn't be sitting in their office if I didn't. Also, I wouldn't be sitting in that same office if I knew how to fix i. I know how counseling works. I know it's all about inner reflection and getting to the root of your thoughts. I know that you have to realize why you do things before you can begin to heal or fix it. But danget, I want to be fixed now. Right now. I want all of this negative to just go away. I don't want it to be rare for people to see me truly happy. I don't want my kids asking if I'm happy today. I don't want my husband to wake up not knowing what kind of mood his wife is going to be in that day. When I think about how much this has hurt me and everyone close to me, it doesn't really help that negative self talk. I don't want to be this way. Yet, I can't escape it. I can't change it today like I want to. I can't be someone that I'm not. So in all honesty, the fear of changing and evolving scares the crap out of me.
How do I become happy? How do I change the person I've been for 29 years and know if I'm still me? This me is the only thing I've known. To act a different way or to change my feelings, thoughts and emotions is pretty scary.
Have you ever felt like you just wanted to stay miserable? You didn't want to hear anyone say "It's going to be OK" or "Things will be better soon." You want to just wallow in your own self pity and stick with what you know best. Am I alone on that? Who else gets so comfortable with their normal that even though they know if not healthy, they want to do it anyway?
Your not alone on that. I believe that most people are like that. As I tell everyone that is scared of change or thinks its scary. Change itself isn't good nor bad, its just something that happens. What make it good or bad is how someone views it. Yes change can be terrifying but in the long run it can and will help you.
ReplyDeleteSo true Georgia! Thanks for commenting!
DeleteSo so so many years I spent thinking that the bottom was where I was meant to be because there was no way I'd ever be able to come up for air and stay there. I didn't know that world, so why would I want to be in it? We'll I'll tell you why....because there's so much oxygen and light up here! I can breathe! To not feel like I'm completely out of control of my moods and emotions is something I can't even explain. Because there really is no way to explain it. That's how it's supposed to be. You don't have any (or many) symptoms to explain at appointments. It's just freedom from yourself...so keep on keeping on, Bell. You'll get there. Nobody said this road was going to be easy. Or fun. But no matter how bumpy that road is, don't turn around because the light at the end of the tunnel is so worth it when you get there.
ReplyDeleteThank you Lynn. You get me. Love you.
DeleteThis post made me laugh, in a good way, because what you described is human nature. We often prefer to wallow in self-pity versus working on a change...because it's just that: WORK. I am definitely like this. Not many people actually LIKE work (even if they like their job). You are already making great strides toward change, but it won't be easy. You know that, so just don't give up because it will be worth it! Here are two solid truths to get you through those harder days: 1) your family knows all this about you, has dealt with it being untreated for years, and still loves you! Sure, your parents and kids were stuck with you (hehe), but Josh CHOSE you! :D Never forget that. 2) God loves you more than all of them, even though that level of love is hard to comprehend, so hold His hand through it all and He'll be sure to bring you out the other side.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ashley!!! Your words are so true!! I know we all have our own normal that we don't want to let go of and change sometimes! It's just getting past the initial negative response and seeing the good in change! Thanks so much for reading!
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