Hope

This quote has kind of become my mantra.  It really is true.  I can't count the number of times in my life that I have thought I couldn't do it anymore.  I didn't want to live that way.  I just wanted to curl up and not participate in daily life.  Or, that I wanted to run away.  Far away from all of my responsibilities.  Far away from anyone that knew me so that I could maybe just start over in life. 

 But, being the person that I am, I know that I would last about 2 hours being away from my support system.  I need the people in my life so much that the thought of being away from them is just way too scary.  These people are the reason that I have kept fighting.  My husband, my children, my family, my friends.  They all have their own special place in my journey.  

I've learned that no matter how bad things seem, I can keep going.  I can come out on the other side of one of my depressive or manic episodes.  It might not be pretty, but I will make it one way or another.  

I was able to see a psychiatrist yesterday.  THANK THE LORD!  So I am now on the road to recovery.  I realize just in the matter of taking new medication, I have grown so much.  I have an incredible fear of medication and their side effects.  I am almost always convinced that any new medication is going to kill me.  That I will have an awful reaction and end up in the hospital.  

Do I still have that fear?  Absolutely.  Did I happen to text a few close friends/family last night and ask them repeatedly if I was going to die?  You bet.  But I took the medicine.  I took it.  Without even thinking that I shouldn't.  Taking it wasn't even a question anymore.  Do you know how big of a deal that is for me??  HUGE!  Even thought it is a small victory, the sense of accomplishment that I have is beyond compare!  

So even though I feel like I can't most of the time, I will keep going.  And I will see the other side of this.  We all have our own struggles that we have to get through.  Just remember that the mind plays evil tricks on us.  It convinces us that we can't.  That we don't deserve to feel better.  That we are never going to be normal again.  I've learned to look at my mind as a bully.  It really is.  Our own negative thoughts will leave us crippled.  They will keep us from being the best version of ourselves. 

 So talk to yourself.  Yes, I'm condoning this crazy act.  Haha!  Tell yourself that you are done being the victim to your own thoughts.  You are ready to live.  Ready to shine.   

Because we all deserve at least that.