Hey everyone. Sorry it's been a few days since I posted last! I have definitely been going through an adjustment period. But so far so good.
So, I started my new medication on Wednesday to help with my mood swings. I was told that the medication would probably not help for awhile as it's one that has to build up in your system. Well, I knew I was sensitive to medication but let me just tell you, I have felt AH-MAZING the last few days.
On that note, I am very confused by this new feeling of happiness and relaxation.
I had my counseling appointment this morning and still rated myself very low in regards to how I have felt about myself, relationships, and overall for the week. I was actually very surprised by that. I have been laughing more than I have in a LONG time. I have felt relaxed and have not really been anxious at all. I have been nice to my husband and my kids and not irritated at the little things. So what the heck is my problem??
We talked through it, and I came to the realization that I am extremely uncomfortable with feeling happy. I'm not used to it. People look at my differently and comment about how at ease and happy I seem. I hate that. That makes me feel like they are so used to seeing my miserable and quiet that they are genuinely shocked when I'm not acting that way. So I have actually been trying to stop myself from being different. I have tried to continue in my normal behaviors and act like nothing has changed. Because let's be honest, my doctor flat out told me that this medication was going to take quite awhile before I would see much of a difference. So there is no way that this happiness that I feel is real. I must be MANIC! That's it! I'm just on the other end of the spectrum that I don't get to experience very often! I'm just out of my mind in a different way. This isn't normal either. So I better not get used to feeling good. Or happy. Or relaxed. This is just a stage in my adjustment process. I'm going to be back to my old grumpy, irritated, unhappy self in no time! Then I can go back to being unnoticed! No one will question me then! No one will talk about how they can't believe how different I am!!! Everything will be better when I can just go back to my normal.
BUT I DON'T WANT THAT!!!!!! I WANT to be the person that has popped up in the last couple of days!!! Happy. Ready to go on an adventure! Ready to enjoy the summer and have events at my house! Ready for people to think that me being happy is NORMAL. I'm not Manic. I'm not Depressed. I'm not Bipolar. I'm Katie. Just Katie.
I'm done being my illness. I am tired of feeling like I have a cloud over my head and that people can see it. I'm tired of being frustrated and taking it out on everyone that I love. I love the new feeling of NOT being anxious all the time. I was able to have conversations with people this weekend that I NEVER would have been able to have even two weeks ago!!! I love it.
Am I fully expecting to have setbacks and to feel depressed sometimes? Absolutely. I am human. Just because I'm on medication, does not mean I can't feel emotions. I can be angry, upset, anxious, tired, happy, elated, and everything in between!! And I'm okay with that. I want to feel everything again! Feeling numb sucks! I'm done with that! I don't know why I'm already seeing a change. According to a medical professional, this shouldn't be happening. I should still have a couple weeks of misery.
But it is. It's happening. And it feels amazing. This is the me that I want to be. And I'm ready to embrace her.