OK. So, I had my first official counseling appointment today. That was fun.
Lots of reflecting going on. Reflection on why I think the way I do. How I plan to fix it. What could I be telling myself instead of negative self talk?
Let me just talk for a second here. I'm sorry, but isn't that what they are supposed to be telling me?? I know I know. You can't make the change until you want to make it or whatever it is they say. Of course I want to make the change! I wouldn't be sitting in their office if I didn't. Also, I wouldn't be sitting in that same office if I knew how to fix i. I know how counseling works. I know it's all about inner reflection and getting to the root of your thoughts. I know that you have to realize why you do things before you can begin to heal or fix it. But danget, I want to be fixed now. Right now. I want all of this negative to just go away. I don't want it to be rare for people to see me truly happy. I don't want my kids asking if I'm happy today. I don't want my husband to wake up not knowing what kind of mood his wife is going to be in that day. When I think about how much this has hurt me and everyone close to me, it doesn't really help that negative self talk. I don't want to be this way. Yet, I can't escape it. I can't change it today like I want to. I can't be someone that I'm not. So in all honesty, the fear of changing and evolving scares the crap out of me.
How do I become happy? How do I change the person I've been for 29 years and know if I'm still me? This me is the only thing I've known. To act a different way or to change my feelings, thoughts and emotions is pretty scary.
Have you ever felt like you just wanted to stay miserable? You didn't want to hear anyone say "It's going to be OK" or "Things will be better soon." You want to just wallow in your own self pity and stick with what you know best. Am I alone on that? Who else gets so comfortable with their normal that even though they know if not healthy, they want to do it anyway?