Downslide

My emotions are all over the place.  

Right now I kind of want to cry, laugh and punch someone all at the same time.  

SURPRISE!!!  

I am not "cured"!  

The medication isn't my magic pill that I thought it might be! 

The emotions are in full swing and I have a feeling it's going to be a bumpy ride.  

So I'm going to take you all along with me on this awesome journey!  Sound like fun?  Great!  Let's do this.

So I'm on my third week with the medication changes.  Last week was pretty much amazing!  I was kind of on top of the world!  I really thought that my life was just going to be better!  It was awesome!  I was excited about things again!  I was laughing.  ALOT.  At everything.  It felt so good.  People saw a change and loved it.  So did I.  I hadn't felt that happy in a long time.  

Then, slowly, it started to fade.  Again.  The happy feelings that I crave and long for, just weren't there anymore.  Every single sound is heightened in the worst possible way.  I feel like I'm on the edge of just completely losing my crap on the next person that says something the wrong way.  I hate this feeling.  When I feel the lump in my throat and every muscle in my body feels so tense it hurts.  I know that inevitably I will end up having a crying spell but I always fight it to the very end.  Until I can't hold it in anymore.  And I end up angry with everyone.  Including myself.  

Oh, how I honestly can't even stand to be in my own skin at times like this.  I so want to be someone else.  Someone that doesn't feel this way.  Someone else that can turn all of this off and act like none of it is there.  Even if I felt this way and could physically and mentally move passed it.  I would take that any day over feeling like I have no control over my own mind and body.  

Some of you may read this and think, OMG she is such a whiner!  Just get over it already!  We all have problems right?  We all wish that we could just go back to bed some days.  We all have things we don't want to do.  But you just do it and move on.  

Do you know how many times a day I tell myself that??  How much I loathe myself when I feel this way?  How worthless I feel everyday because I can't do the normal things that adults do?  I spend most of my day trying to "get over it"  and "move on".  So much so that most of the time I will.  I will move on until I can't anymore.  That is when I will either have a nervous breakdown of some sort, completely lose it on my family and friends, or go on a spending spree and put us into financial ruin.  

So I'm choosing a healthier outlet.  This blog is my outlet.  A place where I can be real and write out exactly what I'm feeling.  Do I feel better right now after typing all of this?  A little.  But eventually my therapy and medication is going to take effect.  And I might not feel so extremely depressed.  That is when I can look back on this and realize how much better I am doing.  How much I have grown.  How much my life and my mind have changed.  

I can't wait for that day.  

Katie