Saturday, August 15, 2015


Hey guys.  

So I kind of went off the deep end the last few weeks.  Just kind of disappeared into my own world in my head and haven't really reached out.  For those of you that actually do read these and like to keep up with my progress...I'm sorry I've left you hanging!  Definitely not intentional.  So many times I thought, man I should get on there and give an update.  Then I thought, one really cares.  

I do that to myself A LOT.  Try to convince myself that no one cares.  No one will really notice if I don't post.  No one will notice if I don't go to church.  No one will notice if I start self harming again.  No one will pay attention to my moods or if I'm down.  

But guess what.  That's crap.  People do notice.  And then I get angry at them.  Why should they care what I'm doing with my life?  Is it effecting them?  Most of the time it's not.  Not really.  What gives them a right to watch and criticize me??  That's not their job.  Only one person can do that.  Blah blah blah blah blah.  I genuinely dislike when someone takes interest in me or how I'm doing.  I disappoint myself enough as it is.  I don't want to have to worry about disappointing anyone else.  But I do.  

The truth is, no matter how much I pretend that I don't give a crap what people think, it's what makes or breaks me.  I wear my heart completely on my sleeve.  If I am close to you, you will know it.  I will do ANYTHING for you.  Literally.  Anything.  If I'm out doing something with my kids or family and something happens to a better believe I will think of every possible way to try to change my plans to help them or make them happy.  It could be something as trivial as they are bored and really wanted someone to hang out with or go to a movie.  I'm so afraid of not being the person that they need in that time, that I will change around my entire day to try to cater to everyone else.  

Don't get me wrong.  I say no.  Usually it's when I'm in a bad mood and really just don't want to do anything.  At all.  Or when I'm reflecting on things and feeling like people are not there for me like I am for them.  Then I get resentful and it turns into a big thing where I just say no to everyone for like a week.  And obviously, anything with my kids will come first. If I'm busy with them, I can say no and feel justified.  But if I'm sitting at home and someone I love is having a hard time in one way or another...yeah.... I will usually be there.  

My husband tells me that I have a savior complex.  A need to rescue people.  He's pretty spot on with that.  I like to feel like I can save someone even when I can't save myself from my own mind.  If someone is struggling, I want to be the one that fixes things for them.  I want to make things all better.  And when I can't, I take it VERY personally.  Even when what they are doing is to themselves.  Or a choice they are making on their own.  I can't stop my NEED to make them stop.  To change their point of view and their outlook.  

But let's be honest.  

No one can do that for them just like no one can do that for me.  No matter how much I wish someone could take this all away from me.  How badly I want someone to just turn off my mind or give me a pill to take it all away.  I know that it's not possible.  No one can do it for me.  

But I honestly don't know how to do it for myself.  

I see so many inspirational quotes on Facebook and Pinterest telling me to "Be the change you wish to see!"  "There is no remote in life!  Get up and change it yourself"  "If your path seems too difficult it's just because you have a higher calling!" (WHAT IS THAT??)  Or my absolute favorite " I just woke up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like this anymore. So I changed!"  Oh, how much I hate these quotes sometimes.

How AMAZING it must be to be these people!  I mean, those quotes are totally awesome for greeting cards.  Really great.  But for the real world?  Come on.  Let's be realistic.  You can't just change everything on a whim if you feel like it.  Life has consequences.  Bad things happen.  Every day.  To each and every one of us.  Does it help if you have a good attitude about it?  Probably.  Does it change the fact that life kind of sucks sometimes?  Nope.  I can have every single positive thought in the book and just live with a smile on my face all day every day.  It's not going to change the fact that bad things are going to happen to me.  To the people I love.  Should I dwell on that?  Nope.  And I don't plan to.  But I really just wish that people could be realistic.  Everything isn't rosy.  NO ONE is in a good mood all the time.  And we shouldn't have to be.  I shouldn't have to hide if I'm going through a depressive episode.  It's me.  It's who I am.  If I could change it, I would...most of the time.  But I can't. So I deal.  And I wish everyone else could too.