Saturday, November 5, 2016

Being a mom is pretty awesome!

Hey guys,

So, I've taken quite a long hiatus from blogging and I've decided that it's time to come back and share my wittiness with the world. I know you are so excited.

So far on the blog I've focused mostly on my mental illness and all that it entails. Which is alot. But there is a whole other side to me that I haven't talked about much and I want to share with all of you.

I'm a mom to three pretty amazing children.  I love them with every ounce of my being.  They are the sweetest, most wonderful children (at times) and for the most part, they keep me sane.
My oldest son got my sarcasm and my emotions. He wears his heart on his sleeve and can get hurt so easily.  But he also loves deeply and is always there to help someone in need.  My middle son is extremely strong willed and wants everything to go his way. But he is also one of the funniest and most caring little guys that I know.  My daughter is a threenager. She is my light in the dark world and can always make me smile.

They, along with my incredible husband, are my world and I'm so excited to share about my crazy life with them. I can't wait to share how funny and witty they are. You may not care, but they are pretty hilarious so it needs to be shared.

Any other moms out there that are just trying to stay sane until bedtime?  I know I'm not alone!

Anyway, just wanted to update the blog and let you know that I'm going to try to shift gears to a little lighter content.  Try to bring some humor and goofiness into the picture and just trying to enjoy life a bit more. That's what it's all about right?  Can't wait to talk with you all!!!

Be back soon!

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Stop The Stigma

Have you ever felt completely debilitated by something?  So completely taken over by emotion that you honestly don't know from one minute to the next if you are going to keep breathing?  Keep holding on?  If you even want to anymore?

Welcome to the world of anxiety.

Lately, my anxiety has been through the roof.  No real rhyme or reason to it usually.  Just one small little thing in someone else's eyes, can cause a complete breakdown for me.  One small shot of pain through my body can make me think that I'm dying.  One negative thought about myself can send me into a self loathing spiral.  It really is that simple.  

Life isn't easy for any of us.  It's hard and complicated and can break even the strongest person.  Before my diagnosis, I never understood why people that seemed fine on the outside, couldn't take care of everyday tasks.  Yes, some people are capable and they just don't do what they should.  I understand that.  But 1 out of every 4 Americans suffer from a diagnosed mental disorder.  That's over 26% of our country.  Yet, it's one of the least respected and understood illnesses.  For some reason, people assume that you should be able to be stronger than a chemical imbalance in your body.  You should be able to think good thoughts and convince yourself that you are fine.  You should be able to control your thoughts and your emotions.  It's your fault that you aren't happy.  Just change it.  

I wish it was that simple.  If it was, there would be so many illnesses that would just go away.  Pretty much any chemical imbalance should be able to be reversed with that logic.  No one should suffer from diabetes.  No one should struggle with auto-immune disorders.  If you just convince yourself that you are fine, you will be.  It's all in how you look at it.  

Let me ask you a question.  Do you think that people who suffer from panic attacks want to feel like they are dying?  Do you think that they love feeling like they can't breathe?  They want attention so badly that they break down in the middle of a store?  Think about it.  Do you think that people with depression love feeling like the world would be better off without them here?  Do you think they wake up every morning and say, I can't wait to get up and have absolutely not energy or to feel no happiness when I look at my children?  Let's be realistic.  

The stigma has to stop.  These are legitimate illnesses that need professional help and many times, medications to control.  We live with this every day.  Many people with mental illness are the strongest people that I have ever met.  They wake up everyday, knowing that they are going to have to fight every thought that comes into their mind.   Every urge that they have to stay in bed, hurt themselves, not eat, cry, panic, worry, become irritated and so on. 

We fight harder than people can even understand.  Just remember that the next time you think someone is being lazy.  

Friday, November 6, 2015

Hey everyone.

It's been quite awhile for me again. I'm not really sure why. I guess just feeling like it's not that big of a deal if I post or not. But I've definitely noticed that blogging helps me. When I don't get things out on here, I bottle them up, and then usually explode. So I need to stop letting this go. This is my safe place that I can let out the ridiculous amounts of emotion in my head on a regular basis. Whether anyone reads or not, it's good therapy for me.

So Monday I start a new therapy called EMDR. It's an eye movement exercise that is supposed to help you kind of reprogram the way your mind works. I've realized through my sessions thus far that my biggest problem is that I am a failure. Or at least, that's what goes through my mind every minute of everyday. I've convinced myself that this is true and so it has become true. I never finish anything completely. I get really excited about things and then just let them go after a few weeks because I feel like I'm not good enough. When I'm working, I feel like I'm not a good enough mother because I'm leaving my kids. When I'm not working I feel like a failure because I can't ever hold a job longer than a few months because I feel like I should be at work and providing financially for our one income family of 5. This struggle goes on in my head daily. Everytime I've had a job I get so anxious and panicked thinking that I'm not doing a good enough job, I should be with my kids, the person training me hates me and thinks I'm stupid, people don't like me, etc. Etc.  You should try living in my head sometime. It's great. Really.

I do this with everything in my life. I'm not a good enough wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, etc. That's where my constant need to help everyone and try to fix everything comes from.  But, all that does is make the feelings of failure worse because I always come up short. I feel like a disappointment to everyone because I'm 29 years old and have 3 kids and still can't get my crap together.

So, as you can see, I'm definetely in need of some reprogramming. Soon. I know this sounds like a whoa is me post. But it really isn't. I know that I have so much going for me and an amazing life but to me, I don't deserve any of it because I'm worthless. I know. Harsh word right? Try living with that mentality everyday all day and no matter what, never being able to shake it. Hence, why I'm writing. Why I'm going to therapy. Why I'm trying different avenues to try and not feel this way anymore.

Thinking this way is just a downward spiral. And no matter how much I tell myself that it's not true, I truly in my heart, feel that it is. So next time you want to tell someone to suck it up, get over it, move on, don't worry about that stuff, etc. Please just consider the fact that they don't want to feel/think that way. They really don't. It doesn't help them or make things easier. They aren't attention seeking. They are expressing feeling and thoughts that they truly believe. I'm not saying any of this to hear people say "ooh but you have an amazing life and you so deserve it" "you are a great person" " don't think those things about yourself ". Because no matter what you say, at the end of the day, I'm still a worthless failure in my own eyes.

If you are the praying type, keep me in your prayers the next two Mondays as I'm trying this new therapy. Let's hope and pray that we can redirect some of these awful thoughts.

Thanks for reading.

Saturday, August 15, 2015


Hey guys.  

So I kind of went off the deep end the last few weeks.  Just kind of disappeared into my own world in my head and haven't really reached out.  For those of you that actually do read these and like to keep up with my progress...I'm sorry I've left you hanging!  Definitely not intentional.  So many times I thought, man I should get on there and give an update.  Then I thought, one really cares.  

I do that to myself A LOT.  Try to convince myself that no one cares.  No one will really notice if I don't post.  No one will notice if I don't go to church.  No one will notice if I start self harming again.  No one will pay attention to my moods or if I'm down.  

But guess what.  That's crap.  People do notice.  And then I get angry at them.  Why should they care what I'm doing with my life?  Is it effecting them?  Most of the time it's not.  Not really.  What gives them a right to watch and criticize me??  That's not their job.  Only one person can do that.  Blah blah blah blah blah.  I genuinely dislike when someone takes interest in me or how I'm doing.  I disappoint myself enough as it is.  I don't want to have to worry about disappointing anyone else.  But I do.  

The truth is, no matter how much I pretend that I don't give a crap what people think, it's what makes or breaks me.  I wear my heart completely on my sleeve.  If I am close to you, you will know it.  I will do ANYTHING for you.  Literally.  Anything.  If I'm out doing something with my kids or family and something happens to a better believe I will think of every possible way to try to change my plans to help them or make them happy.  It could be something as trivial as they are bored and really wanted someone to hang out with or go to a movie.  I'm so afraid of not being the person that they need in that time, that I will change around my entire day to try to cater to everyone else.  

Don't get me wrong.  I say no.  Usually it's when I'm in a bad mood and really just don't want to do anything.  At all.  Or when I'm reflecting on things and feeling like people are not there for me like I am for them.  Then I get resentful and it turns into a big thing where I just say no to everyone for like a week.  And obviously, anything with my kids will come first. If I'm busy with them, I can say no and feel justified.  But if I'm sitting at home and someone I love is having a hard time in one way or another...yeah.... I will usually be there.  

My husband tells me that I have a savior complex.  A need to rescue people.  He's pretty spot on with that.  I like to feel like I can save someone even when I can't save myself from my own mind.  If someone is struggling, I want to be the one that fixes things for them.  I want to make things all better.  And when I can't, I take it VERY personally.  Even when what they are doing is to themselves.  Or a choice they are making on their own.  I can't stop my NEED to make them stop.  To change their point of view and their outlook.  

But let's be honest.  

No one can do that for them just like no one can do that for me.  No matter how much I wish someone could take this all away from me.  How badly I want someone to just turn off my mind or give me a pill to take it all away.  I know that it's not possible.  No one can do it for me.  

But I honestly don't know how to do it for myself.  

I see so many inspirational quotes on Facebook and Pinterest telling me to "Be the change you wish to see!"  "There is no remote in life!  Get up and change it yourself"  "If your path seems too difficult it's just because you have a higher calling!" (WHAT IS THAT??)  Or my absolute favorite " I just woke up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like this anymore. So I changed!"  Oh, how much I hate these quotes sometimes.

How AMAZING it must be to be these people!  I mean, those quotes are totally awesome for greeting cards.  Really great.  But for the real world?  Come on.  Let's be realistic.  You can't just change everything on a whim if you feel like it.  Life has consequences.  Bad things happen.  Every day.  To each and every one of us.  Does it help if you have a good attitude about it?  Probably.  Does it change the fact that life kind of sucks sometimes?  Nope.  I can have every single positive thought in the book and just live with a smile on my face all day every day.  It's not going to change the fact that bad things are going to happen to me.  To the people I love.  Should I dwell on that?  Nope.  And I don't plan to.  But I really just wish that people could be realistic.  Everything isn't rosy.  NO ONE is in a good mood all the time.  And we shouldn't have to be.  I shouldn't have to hide if I'm going through a depressive episode.  It's me.  It's who I am.  If I could change it, I would...most of the time.  But I can't. So I deal.  And I wish everyone else could too.   


Tuesday, July 21, 2015


My emotions are all over the place.  

Right now I kind of want to cry, laugh and punch someone all at the same time.  


I am not "cured"!  

The medication isn't my magic pill that I thought it might be! 

The emotions are in full swing and I have a feeling it's going to be a bumpy ride.  

So I'm going to take you all along with me on this awesome journey!  Sound like fun?  Great!  Let's do this.

So I'm on my third week with the medication changes.  Last week was pretty much amazing!  I was kind of on top of the world!  I really thought that my life was just going to be better!  It was awesome!  I was excited about things again!  I was laughing.  ALOT.  At everything.  It felt so good.  People saw a change and loved it.  So did I.  I hadn't felt that happy in a long time.  

Then, slowly, it started to fade.  Again.  The happy feelings that I crave and long for, just weren't there anymore.  Every single sound is heightened in the worst possible way.  I feel like I'm on the edge of just completely losing my crap on the next person that says something the wrong way.  I hate this feeling.  When I feel the lump in my throat and every muscle in my body feels so tense it hurts.  I know that inevitably I will end up having a crying spell but I always fight it to the very end.  Until I can't hold it in anymore.  And I end up angry with everyone.  Including myself.  

Oh, how I honestly can't even stand to be in my own skin at times like this.  I so want to be someone else.  Someone that doesn't feel this way.  Someone else that can turn all of this off and act like none of it is there.  Even if I felt this way and could physically and mentally move passed it.  I would take that any day over feeling like I have no control over my own mind and body.  

Some of you may read this and think, OMG she is such a whiner!  Just get over it already!  We all have problems right?  We all wish that we could just go back to bed some days.  We all have things we don't want to do.  But you just do it and move on.  

Do you know how many times a day I tell myself that??  How much I loathe myself when I feel this way?  How worthless I feel everyday because I can't do the normal things that adults do?  I spend most of my day trying to "get over it"  and "move on".  So much so that most of the time I will.  I will move on until I can't anymore.  That is when I will either have a nervous breakdown of some sort, completely lose it on my family and friends, or go on a spending spree and put us into financial ruin.  

So I'm choosing a healthier outlet.  This blog is my outlet.  A place where I can be real and write out exactly what I'm feeling.  Do I feel better right now after typing all of this?  A little.  But eventually my therapy and medication is going to take effect.  And I might not feel so extremely depressed.  That is when I can look back on this and realize how much better I am doing.  How much I have grown.  How much my life and my mind have changed.  

I can't wait for that day.  


Monday, July 20, 2015

Warrior Moms

This video is incredible. Everything that I want women to know is here. It's a great overview of how every woman can experience postpartum differently and for different periods of time!  Please watch and share!!

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Rachel Platten - Fight Song (Official Video)

This is the song I tried to add to my last post.  This is my anthem.  Whenever I'm feeling sorry for myself or like I'm not going to get through, this song picks me up.  No matter what you are going through, you still have so much fight left in you!!!  Never forget that.