It's been quite awhile for me again. I'm not really sure why. I guess just feeling like it's not that big of a deal if I post or not. But I've definitely noticed that blogging helps me. When I don't get things out on here, I bottle them up, and then usually explode. So I need to stop letting this go. This is my safe place that I can let out the ridiculous amounts of emotion in my head on a regular basis. Whether anyone reads or not, it's good therapy for me.
So Monday I start a new therapy called EMDR. It's an eye movement exercise that is supposed to help you kind of reprogram the way your mind works. I've realized through my sessions thus far that my biggest problem is that I am a failure. Or at least, that's what goes through my mind every minute of everyday. I've convinced myself that this is true and so it has become true. I never finish anything completely. I get really excited about things and then just let them go after a few weeks because I feel like I'm not good enough. When I'm working, I feel like I'm not a good enough mother because I'm leaving my kids. When I'm not working I feel like a failure because I can't ever hold a job longer than a few months because I feel like I should be at work and providing financially for our one income family of 5. This struggle goes on in my head daily. Everytime I've had a job I get so anxious and panicked thinking that I'm not doing a good enough job, I should be with my kids, the person training me hates me and thinks I'm stupid, people don't like me, etc. Etc. You should try living in my head sometime. It's great. Really.
I do this with everything in my life. I'm not a good enough wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, etc. That's where my constant need to help everyone and try to fix everything comes from. But, all that does is make the feelings of failure worse because I always come up short. I feel like a disappointment to everyone because I'm 29 years old and have 3 kids and still can't get my crap together.
So, as you can see, I'm definetely in need of some reprogramming. Soon. I know this sounds like a whoa is me post. But it really isn't. I know that I have so much going for me and an amazing life but to me, I don't deserve any of it because I'm worthless. I know. Harsh word right? Try living with that mentality everyday all day and no matter what, never being able to shake it. Hence, why I'm writing. Why I'm going to therapy. Why I'm trying different avenues to try and not feel this way anymore.
Thinking this way is just a downward spiral. And no matter how much I tell myself that it's not true, I truly in my heart, feel that it is. So next time you want to tell someone to suck it up, get over it, move on, don't worry about that stuff, etc. Please just consider the fact that they don't want to feel/think that way. They really don't. It doesn't help them or make things easier. They aren't attention seeking. They are expressing feeling and thoughts that they truly believe. I'm not saying any of this to hear people say "ooh but you have an amazing life and you so deserve it" "you are a great person" " don't think those things about yourself ". Because no matter what you say, at the end of the day, I'm still a worthless failure in my own eyes.
If you are the praying type, keep me in your prayers the next two Mondays as I'm trying this new therapy. Let's hope and pray that we can redirect some of these awful thoughts.
Thanks for reading.