So this is my first blogging experience and I'm hoping that we can both get a little something out of it! Hopefully some entertainment for you, and a place to air out all of my emotions for me.
I'm going to start out giving an introduction. My story is rather long so I will probably break it up into a couple of posts. First off, I am a 29 year old mother of 3 wonderful, silly, stubborn children. I am also a wife to an amazing man that loves me no matter my flaws. I couldn't ask for anything better. Really. The life that I have is completely perfect. Or at least it should be.
Despite all of the amazing things in my life, I tend to have to talk myself into participating in life most days. I have struggled with depression, anxiety and OCD for as long as I can remember. I really had never done much about it. Just have gone through life with no real help and keeping everything hidden. I finally got to the point in 2010 where I couldn't hide things anymore. I had just had my second son and had developed a severe case of postpartum depression. I honestly don't remember most of the time. Looking back on it, it feels like I am recalling someone else doing the things that I did. It was like I was not in my own body or mind. I was a completely different person. I ran away from the responsibilities of my newborn and 2 year old sons. I kept things from my husband. I was obsessed with death and everything that it entailed. I had myself convinced that I was going to die. I had two major breakdowns that landed me in the mental health unit twice. I almost lost everything during that time. Thank God for an understanding husband and family that got me through that huge mess in my life. I wouldn't be here today without them.
During that time in the hospital I was told numerous times that I was not just struggling with the depression/anxiety/OCD that I knew I had. They told me that I was Bipolar.
I completely bulked at this idea. There is NO WAY that I'm THAT crazy. I know people who are Bipolar. I am NOT that. That's just silly. I'm not violent. I'm not out of control (most of the time). I have (enough of) a handle on everything. I'm fine. They are just trying to put a label on me and drug me up. Which, at the time, I was convinced all medications were going to kill me so I REALLY wanted nothing to do with their treatment plan for me.
I spent the next couple of years trying to convince myself and my family that this diagnosis was completely wrong. That I was completely fine and they didn't need to worry about me. We even had another baby in 2013. Everyone was so afraid that I was going to go down the same path as I did 3 years ago. Myself included. I told myself that I really needed to prove that I wasn't crazy. So I became the exact opposite. I was like super mom. I had my three children under 5 and I was rocking it! At least from what everyone else could see. It helped that my baby girl was an AMAZING baby. She slept through the night from the very beginning. She had no stomach problems and was completely content to lay on the floor with a few toys and just play. It was incredible.
But deep down, I knew that I should have been happier. I shouldn't feel like I have to put on a fake smile everyday and try to convince everyone that I'm better than I really am. It was exhausting for me to be happy. It literally took every ounce of my energy.
Have you ever felt like you were living a double life? Everyone else sees one person when you are really someone completely different?
Part 2 coming shortly!