Downslide

My emotions are all over the place.  

Right now I kind of want to cry, laugh and punch someone all at the same time.  

SURPRISE!!!  

I am not "cured"!  

The medication isn't my magic pill that I thought it might be! 

The emotions are in full swing and I have a feeling it's going to be a bumpy ride.  

So I'm going to take you all along with me on this awesome journey!  Sound like fun?  Great!  Let's do this.

So I'm on my third week with the medication changes.  Last week was pretty much amazing!  I was kind of on top of the world!  I really thought that my life was just going to be better!  It was awesome!  I was excited about things again!  I was laughing.  ALOT.  At everything.  It felt so good.  People saw a change and loved it.  So did I.  I hadn't felt that happy in a long time.  

Then, slowly, it started to fade.  Again.  The happy feelings that I crave and long for, just weren't there anymore.  Every single sound is heightened in the worst possible way.  I feel like I'm on the edge of just completely losing my crap on the next person that says something the wrong way.  I hate this feeling.  When I feel the lump in my throat and every muscle in my body feels so tense it hurts.  I know that inevitably I will end up having a crying spell but I always fight it to the very end.  Until I can't hold it in anymore.  And I end up angry with everyone.  Including myself.  

Oh, how I honestly can't even stand to be in my own skin at times like this.  I so want to be someone else.  Someone that doesn't feel this way.  Someone else that can turn all of this off and act like none of it is there.  Even if I felt this way and could physically and mentally move passed it.  I would take that any day over feeling like I have no control over my own mind and body.  

Some of you may read this and think, OMG she is such a whiner!  Just get over it already!  We all have problems right?  We all wish that we could just go back to bed some days.  We all have things we don't want to do.  But you just do it and move on.  

Do you know how many times a day I tell myself that??  How much I loathe myself when I feel this way?  How worthless I feel everyday because I can't do the normal things that adults do?  I spend most of my day trying to "get over it"  and "move on".  So much so that most of the time I will.  I will move on until I can't anymore.  That is when I will either have a nervous breakdown of some sort, completely lose it on my family and friends, or go on a spending spree and put us into financial ruin.  

So I'm choosing a healthier outlet.  This blog is my outlet.  A place where I can be real and write out exactly what I'm feeling.  Do I feel better right now after typing all of this?  A little.  But eventually my therapy and medication is going to take effect.  And I might not feel so extremely depressed.  That is when I can look back on this and realize how much better I am doing.  How much I have grown.  How much my life and my mind have changed.  

I can't wait for that day.  

Katie 

Warrior Moms

This video is incredible. Everything that I want women to know is here. It's a great overview of how every woman can experience postpartum differently and for different periods of time!  Please watch and share!!

Rachel Platten - Fight Song (Official Video)

This is the song I tried to add to my last post.  This is my anthem.  Whenever I'm feeling sorry for myself or like I'm not going to get through, this song picks me up.  No matter what you are going through, you still have so much fight left in you!!!  Never forget that.

What I Need the World to Understand About Postpartum Depression

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc


Have you ever felt like you were outside of your body looking in?  Have you ever been so disgusted with yourself that you thought you didn't deserve to even live?  Have you ever tried to push everyone in your life away because you thought they were all better off without you in their lives?  Have you ever held your newborn baby in your arms and felt absolutely nothing?  

If you have felt any of those things at any time in your life.  I'm truly sorry.  I know how that feels.  

If you have felt all of these things at once....no words cannot describe how connected I feel to you.  And how much my heart breaks for you.  

When I wrote the Intro post on this blog I touched a little bit on my Postpartum Depression when I had my son in 2010.  Some of you may have read that and thought, Wow.  This woman is ridiculous.  How can you have a new baby and not feel love in your heart?  How can you look in their sweet innocent face and not want to kiss or hug them?  

Believe me.  Nothing that you thought is something that didn't go through my own mind over and over.  Every day.  

Maybe you read my post and thought, Oh my gosh.  This is me.  This is my life.  I felt the exact same thing.  I had no idea this was a "thing".  I thought it was just me.  

If that's you, I'm writing for you.  I am writing to spread awareness of mental illness in general.  But Postpartum has a special place in my heart.  It made me who I am today.  

Some of you may think, is she crazy?  There is no way that she is like she is now because of Postpartum Depression!  That stuff is awful!  It tears families apart.  It separates mothers from their children.  I mean, women actually kill their kids in some cases!  And in SOME CASES, you would be right.  It does do all of those things.  Sometimes awful things do happen.  But it is not one size fits all. Not every woman going through this is out to kill her children or herself.  Did you know that there are actually AT LEAST 5 different ways that Postpartum can present itself.  FIVE.  Not just one.  Do we feel like we want to run away?  Like they would be better off without us in their lives?  Do we feel guilty?  Absolutely.  But we aren't trying to hurt anyone.  If anything, we are trying to protect them.  

Please understand that if a you or a woman you know is going through this, they are not doing it on purpose.  They are not doing it to get attention.  Or to try to get out of their responsibilities.  We want the exact opposite.  Many women are hiding how they really feel every single day because of what it would look like to other people.  I was criticized over and over during that time.  Told that if I would just distract myself I would be able to turn it off.  The anxiety that I had every single day would just disappear.  I would get through it.  You do what you have to do.  And the worst, if I couldn't handle it then maybe I shouldn't have had another kid.  

Even typing that still hurts my heart.  

Please know that I didn't ask for any of this.  Why God chose me to walk this journey, I will maybe never know.  For right now, I'm going to say that it is to help as many other women as I possibly can to know that Postpartum Depression really is a "THING".  It's real.  

Please DO NOT compare it to the baby blues.  Don't do it.  I may punch you in your face.  Don't get me wrong, the baby blues can really suck.  I had that with my first son.  It can feel like you are losing your mind.  But Postpartum, that's a whole different beast.  

Please don't assume that every woman with Postpartum Depression is trying to hurt/kill her child.  If we were, we would have been diagnosed with Postpartum Psychosis!!!!  Different things.  Different treatment.  Just different.  

Please know that if you are going through this or have ever gone through this.  There is help.  Support groups in OUR area!  Actually, some pretty great resources are available for you and I can help you find them!  

And finally, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be easy on yourself or the person you know going through this time.  I GUARANTEE that you/they are being much harder on your/themselves than anyone else ever could be.  Know that this too shall pass.  You have A LOT of fight left in you!!!  Find your own Fight Song!  

Be Kind.  Always.  Everyone is fighting a battle that we know nothing about.

Katie 

Adjustment

Hey everyone.  Sorry it's been a few days since I posted last!  I have definitely been going through an adjustment period.  But so far so good.  

So, I started my new medication on Wednesday to help with my mood swings.  I was told that the medication would probably not help for awhile as it's one that has to build up in your system.  Well, I knew I was sensitive to medication but let me just tell you, I have felt AH-MAZING the last few days. 

On that note, I am very confused by this new feeling of happiness and relaxation.  

I had my counseling appointment this morning and still rated myself very low in regards to how I have felt about myself, relationships, and overall for the week.  I was actually very surprised by that.  I have been laughing more than I have in a LONG time.  I have felt relaxed and have not really been anxious at all.  I have been nice to my husband and my kids and not irritated at the little things.  So what the heck is my problem??

We talked through it, and I came to the realization that I am extremely uncomfortable with feeling happy.  I'm not used to it.  People look at my differently and comment about how at ease and happy I seem.  I hate that.  That makes me feel like they are so used to seeing my miserable and quiet that they are genuinely shocked when I'm not acting that way.  So I have actually been trying to stop myself from being different.  I have tried to continue in my normal behaviors and act like nothing has changed.  Because let's be honest, my doctor flat out told me that this medication was going to take quite awhile before I would see much of a difference.  So there is no way that this happiness that I feel is real.  I must be MANIC!  That's it!  I'm just on the other end of the spectrum that I don't get to experience very often!  I'm just out of my mind in a different way.  This isn't normal either.  So I better not get used to feeling good.  Or happy.  Or relaxed.  This is just a stage in my adjustment process.  I'm going to be back to my old grumpy, irritated, unhappy self in no time!  Then I can go back to being unnoticed!  No one will question me then!  No one will talk about how they can't believe how different I am!!!  Everything will be better when I can just go back to my normal.  

BUT I DON'T WANT THAT!!!!!!  I WANT to be the person that has popped up in the last couple of days!!!  Happy.  Ready to go on an adventure!  Ready to enjoy the summer and have events at my house!  Ready for people to think that me being happy is NORMAL.  I'm not Manic.  I'm not Depressed.  I'm not Bipolar.  I'm Katie.  Just Katie.  

I'm done being my illness.  I am tired of feeling like I have a cloud over my head and that people can see it.  I'm tired of being frustrated and taking it out on everyone that I love.  I love the new feeling of NOT being anxious all the time.  I was able to have conversations with people this weekend that I NEVER would have been able to have even two weeks ago!!!  I love it.  

Am I fully expecting to have setbacks and to feel depressed sometimes?  Absolutely.  I am human.  Just because I'm on medication, does not mean I can't feel emotions.  I can be angry, upset, anxious, tired, happy, elated, and everything in between!!  And I'm okay with that.  I want to feel everything again!  Feeling numb sucks!  I'm done with that!  I don't know why I'm already seeing a change.  According to a medical professional, this shouldn't be happening.  I should still have a couple weeks of misery.

But it is.  It's happening.  And it feels amazing.  This is the me that I want to be.  And I'm ready to embrace her. 

*Katie*

Hope

This quote has kind of become my mantra.  It really is true.  I can't count the number of times in my life that I have thought I couldn't do it anymore.  I didn't want to live that way.  I just wanted to curl up and not participate in daily life.  Or, that I wanted to run away.  Far away from all of my responsibilities.  Far away from anyone that knew me so that I could maybe just start over in life. 

 But, being the person that I am, I know that I would last about 2 hours being away from my support system.  I need the people in my life so much that the thought of being away from them is just way too scary.  These people are the reason that I have kept fighting.  My husband, my children, my family, my friends.  They all have their own special place in my journey.  

I've learned that no matter how bad things seem, I can keep going.  I can come out on the other side of one of my depressive or manic episodes.  It might not be pretty, but I will make it one way or another.  

I was able to see a psychiatrist yesterday.  THANK THE LORD!  So I am now on the road to recovery.  I realize just in the matter of taking new medication, I have grown so much.  I have an incredible fear of medication and their side effects.  I am almost always convinced that any new medication is going to kill me.  That I will have an awful reaction and end up in the hospital.  

Do I still have that fear?  Absolutely.  Did I happen to text a few close friends/family last night and ask them repeatedly if I was going to die?  You bet.  But I took the medicine.  I took it.  Without even thinking that I shouldn't.  Taking it wasn't even a question anymore.  Do you know how big of a deal that is for me??  HUGE!  Even thought it is a small victory, the sense of accomplishment that I have is beyond compare!  

So even though I feel like I can't most of the time, I will keep going.  And I will see the other side of this.  We all have our own struggles that we have to get through.  Just remember that the mind plays evil tricks on us.  It convinces us that we can't.  That we don't deserve to feel better.  That we are never going to be normal again.  I've learned to look at my mind as a bully.  It really is.  Our own negative thoughts will leave us crippled.  They will keep us from being the best version of ourselves. 

 So talk to yourself.  Yes, I'm condoning this crazy act.  Haha!  Tell yourself that you are done being the victim to your own thoughts.  You are ready to live.  Ready to shine.   

Because we all deserve at least that.  

Reflection

First off, I want to give a shout out to everyone that has read my posts so far! If I know you, thank you for the support and kind words you have all given me.  If I don't know you, please introduce yourself! I love meeting new people! 

OK. So, I had my first official counseling appointment today. That was fun. 

Lots of reflecting going on. Reflection on why I think the way I do.  How I plan to fix it. What could I be telling myself instead of negative self talk? 

Let me just talk for a second here.  I'm sorry, but isn't that what they are supposed to be telling me??  I know I know. You can't make the change until you want to make it or whatever it is they say.  Of course I want to make the change! I wouldn't be sitting in their office if I didn't. Also, I wouldn't be sitting in that same office if I knew how to fix i.  I know how counseling works. I know it's all about inner reflection and getting to the root of your thoughts. I know that you have to realize why you do things before you can begin to heal or fix it. But danget, I want to be fixed now. Right now.  I want all of this negative to just go away. I don't want it to be rare for people to see me truly happy. I don't want my kids asking if I'm happy today. I don't want my husband to wake up not knowing what kind of mood his wife is going to be in that day. When I think about how much this has hurt me and everyone close to me, it doesn't really help that negative self talk. I don't want to be this way. Yet, I can't escape it. I can't change it today like I want to. I can't be someone that I'm not. So in all honesty, the fear of changing and evolving scares the crap out of me. 

How do I become happy? How do I change the person I've been for 29 years and know if I'm still me?  This me is the only thing I've known. To act a different way or to change my feelings, thoughts and emotions is pretty scary. 

Have you ever felt like you just wanted to stay miserable?  You didn't want to hear anyone say "It's going to be OK" or "Things will be better soon." You want to just wallow in your own self pity and stick with what you know best. Am I alone on that? Who else gets so comfortable with their normal that even though they know if not healthy, they want to do it anyway? 

Intro: Part 2

Fast forward to January 2015.  

I was tired.  Completely drained.  I didn't want to do anything.  Everything annoyed me beyond measure.  I didn't want to pretend anymore.  I couldn't hold a job to save my life.  But I felt it was necessary to go shopping on any day ending in Y.  Needless to say, I got my family into a very bad situation financially and emotionally.  I decided it was time to visit my physician and maybe change up my antidepressant.

Over the next couple of months, I was put on Prozac.  I thought that I had found my answer.  It was obviously just the antidepressant that I thought was working before that was the problem!  I was so happy on Prozac!  It was amazing!  I wanted to be involved in things again.   I was a backstage manager for our church play and was beyond excited to be back helping with a stage production!  Everyone who saw me, commented on how happy I was!  They loved my enthusiasm and the energy that was radiating out of me.  I was joking about everything and just loving life.  I had finally found the solution to my problem.  Those stupid doctors had no idea what they were talking about a couple of years ago!  

Then in May, someone flipped a switch.  I was annoyed with everyone and everything.  I had nothing good happening in my life (from my point of view).  For the first time in my life, I actually started thinking, what's the point in living?  On a drive home one day, I actually thought about how I might kill myself if I were to do it.  And it didn't scare me.  That was when I knew, something was very wrong.  I am the girl that is scared of death.  Suicide had never even entered my mind before this.  So I went back to my physician.  I told her I just wanted to go back on my antidepressant that I knew would keep me sane.  The antidepressant I had taken for years.  So I went back to it.  I told myself everything would be fine now.  But it wasn't.  

The depression just got worse.  The irritability was through the roof.  I was just yelling at everyone for everything and my marriage was really hurting.  I didn't know what to do.  This medicine that had always helped was no longer doing anything.  I couldn't take it.  

So, just a few weeks ago, I decided that it was time to see an actual psychiatrist again.  I took their survey and was informed, once again, that I was struggling with Bipolar Disorder.  I completely broke down in the office.  I had such a stigma in my own head of what Bipolar was.  I thought I was doomed for life.  He proceeded to tell me that this was not a death sentence. This was a good thing.  Once my medication was figured out, I would be a new person.  Happy and able to participate fully in life.  

That didn't sound so bad.  

So I started this blog, to journal about my ups and downs with this disorder.  I want a place where I can just air out everything I'm feeling with no judgement.  I'm ready to accept this part of myself and to try to maybe help others like me in the process.  

The only advice I have, since I'm at the very beginning of this journey, would be DO NOT listen to the stigma that comes with Bipolar Disorder.  It's not a cookie cutter illness.  Everyone experiences this differently.  You are not crazy.  You are still you.  Just because you have Bipolar does not mean that you are psychotic.  I will say, I do wish they would come up with another name for mood stabilizers besides anti-psychotics though.  That doesn't really help that stigma.  But I digress.....

Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story.  Introduce yourself if you have read this far!  Would love to meet as many new people as I can!  Have a great Sunday everyone!

Intro: Part 1

Hey guys.  

So this is my first blogging experience and I'm hoping that we can both get a little something out of it!  Hopefully some entertainment for you, and a place to air out all of my emotions for me. 

I'm going to start out giving an introduction.  My story is rather long so I will probably break it up into a couple of posts.  First off, I am a 29 year old mother of 3 wonderful, silly, stubborn children.  I am also a wife to an amazing man that loves me no matter my flaws.  I couldn't ask for anything better.  Really.  The life that I have is completely perfect.  Or at least it should be.  

Despite all of the amazing things in my life, I tend to have to talk myself into participating in life most days.  I have struggled with depression, anxiety and OCD for as long as I can remember.  I really had never done much about it.  Just have gone through life with no real help and keeping everything hidden.  I finally got to the point in 2010 where I couldn't hide things anymore.  I had just had my second son and had developed a severe case of postpartum depression.  I honestly don't remember most of the time.  Looking back on it, it feels like I am recalling someone else doing the things that I did.  It was like I was not in my own body or mind.  I was a completely different person.  I ran away from the responsibilities of my newborn and 2 year old sons.  I kept things from my husband.  I was obsessed with death and everything that it entailed.  I had myself convinced that I was going to die.  I had two major breakdowns that landed me in the mental health unit twice.  I almost lost everything during that time.  Thank God for an understanding husband and family that got me through that huge mess in my life.  I wouldn't be here today without them.  

During that time in the hospital I was told numerous times that I was not just struggling with the depression/anxiety/OCD that I knew I had.  They told me that I was Bipolar.  

I completely bulked at this idea.  There is NO WAY that I'm THAT crazy.  I know people who are Bipolar.  I am NOT that.  That's just silly.  I'm not violent.  I'm not out of control (most of the time).  I have (enough of) a handle on everything.  I'm fine.  They are just trying to put a label on me and drug me up.  Which, at the time, I was convinced all medications were going to kill me so I REALLY wanted nothing to do with their treatment plan for me.  

I spent the next couple of years trying to convince myself and my family that this diagnosis was completely wrong.  That I was completely fine and they didn't need to worry about me.  We even had another baby in 2013.  Everyone was so afraid that I was going to go down the same path as I did 3 years ago.  Myself included.  I told myself that I really needed to prove that I wasn't crazy.  So I became the exact opposite.  I was like super mom.  I had my three children under 5 and I was rocking it!  At least from what everyone else could see.  It helped that my baby girl was an AMAZING baby.  She slept through the night from the very beginning.  She had no stomach problems and was completely content to lay on the floor with a few toys and just play.  It was incredible.  

But deep down, I knew that I should have been happier.  I shouldn't feel like I have to put on a fake smile everyday and try to convince everyone that I'm better than I really am.  It was exhausting for me to be happy.  It literally took every ounce of my energy.  

Have you ever felt like you were living a double life?  Everyone else sees one person when you are really someone completely different?  

Part 2 coming shortly!