Hey everyone.
It's been quite awhile for me again. I'm not really sure why. I guess just feeling like it's not that big of a deal if I post or not. But I've definitely noticed that blogging helps me. When I don't get things out on here, I bottle them up, and then usually explode. So I need to stop letting this go. This is my safe place that I can let out the ridiculous amounts of emotion in my head on a regular basis. Whether anyone reads or not, it's good therapy for me.
So Monday I start a new therapy called EMDR. It's an eye movement exercise that is supposed to help you kind of reprogram the way your mind works. I've realized through my sessions thus far that my biggest problem is that I am a failure. Or at least, that's what goes through my mind every minute of everyday. I've convinced myself that this is true and so it has become true. I never finish anything completely. I get really excited about things and then just let them go after a few weeks because I feel like I'm not good enough. When I'm working, I feel like I'm not a good enough mother because I'm leaving my kids. When I'm not working I feel like a failure because I can't ever hold a job longer than a few months because I feel like I should be at work and providing financially for our one income family of 5. This struggle goes on in my head daily. Everytime I've had a job I get so anxious and panicked thinking that I'm not doing a good enough job, I should be with my kids, the person training me hates me and thinks I'm stupid, people don't like me, etc. Etc. You should try living in my head sometime. It's great. Really.
I do this with everything in my life. I'm not a good enough wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, etc. That's where my constant need to help everyone and try to fix everything comes from. But, all that does is make the feelings of failure worse because I always come up short. I feel like a disappointment to everyone because I'm 29 years old and have 3 kids and still can't get my crap together.
So, as you can see, I'm definetely in need of some reprogramming. Soon. I know this sounds like a whoa is me post. But it really isn't. I know that I have so much going for me and an amazing life but to me, I don't deserve any of it because I'm worthless. I know. Harsh word right? Try living with that mentality everyday all day and no matter what, never being able to shake it. Hence, why I'm writing. Why I'm going to therapy. Why I'm trying different avenues to try and not feel this way anymore.
Thinking this way is just a downward spiral. And no matter how much I tell myself that it's not true, I truly in my heart, feel that it is. So next time you want to tell someone to suck it up, get over it, move on, don't worry about that stuff, etc. Please just consider the fact that they don't want to feel/think that way. They really don't. It doesn't help them or make things easier. They aren't attention seeking. They are expressing feeling and thoughts that they truly believe. I'm not saying any of this to hear people say "ooh but you have an amazing life and you so deserve it" "you are a great person" " don't think those things about yourself ". Because no matter what you say, at the end of the day, I'm still a worthless failure in my own eyes.
If you are the praying type, keep me in your prayers the next two Mondays as I'm trying this new therapy. Let's hope and pray that we can redirect some of these awful thoughts.
Thanks for reading.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Unfiltered
Hey guys.
So I kind of went off the deep end the last few weeks. Just kind of disappeared into my own world in my head and haven't really reached out. For those of you that actually do read these and like to keep up with my progress...I'm sorry I've left you hanging! Definitely not intentional. So many times I thought, man I should get on there and give an update. Then I thought, eh....no one really cares.
I do that to myself A LOT. Try to convince myself that no one cares. No one will really notice if I don't post. No one will notice if I don't go to church. No one will notice if I start self harming again. No one will pay attention to my moods or if I'm down.
But guess what. That's crap. People do notice. And then I get angry at them. Why should they care what I'm doing with my life? Is it effecting them? Most of the time it's not. Not really. What gives them a right to watch and criticize me?? That's not their job. Only one person can do that. Blah blah blah blah blah. I genuinely dislike when someone takes interest in me or how I'm doing. I disappoint myself enough as it is. I don't want to have to worry about disappointing anyone else. But I do.
The truth is, no matter how much I pretend that I don't give a crap what people think, it's what makes or breaks me. I wear my heart completely on my sleeve. If I am close to you, you will know it. I will do ANYTHING for you. Literally. Anything. If I'm out doing something with my kids or family and something happens to a friend....you better believe I will think of every possible way to try to change my plans to help them or make them happy. It could be something as trivial as they are bored and really wanted someone to hang out with or go to a movie. I'm so afraid of not being the person that they need in that time, that I will change around my entire day to try to cater to everyone else.
Don't get me wrong. I say no. Usually it's when I'm in a bad mood and really just don't want to do anything. At all. Or when I'm reflecting on things and feeling like people are not there for me like I am for them. Then I get resentful and it turns into a big thing where I just say no to everyone for like a week. And obviously, anything with my kids will come first. If I'm busy with them, I can say no and feel justified. But if I'm sitting at home and someone I love is having a hard time in one way or another...yeah.... I will usually be there.
My husband tells me that I have a savior complex. A need to rescue people. He's pretty spot on with that. I like to feel like I can save someone even when I can't save myself from my own mind. If someone is struggling, I want to be the one that fixes things for them. I want to make things all better. And when I can't, I take it VERY personally. Even when what they are doing is to themselves. Or a choice they are making on their own. I can't stop my NEED to make them stop. To change their point of view and their outlook.
But let's be honest.
No one can do that for them just like no one can do that for me. No matter how much I wish someone could take this all away from me. How badly I want someone to just turn off my mind or give me a pill to take it all away. I know that it's not possible. No one can do it for me.
But I honestly don't know how to do it for myself.
I see so many inspirational quotes on Facebook and Pinterest telling me to "Be the change you wish to see!" "There is no remote in life! Get up and change it yourself" "If your path seems too difficult it's just because you have a higher calling!" (WHAT IS THAT??) Or my absolute favorite " I just woke up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like this anymore. So I changed!" Oh, how much I hate these quotes sometimes.
How AMAZING it must be to be these people! I mean, those quotes are totally awesome for greeting cards. Really great. But for the real world? Come on. Let's be realistic. You can't just change everything on a whim if you feel like it. Life has consequences. Bad things happen. Every day. To each and every one of us. Does it help if you have a good attitude about it? Probably. Does it change the fact that life kind of sucks sometimes? Nope. I can have every single positive thought in the book and just live with a smile on my face all day every day. It's not going to change the fact that bad things are going to happen to me. To the people I love. Should I dwell on that? Nope. And I don't plan to. But I really just wish that people could be realistic. Everything isn't rosy. NO ONE is in a good mood all the time. And we shouldn't have to be. I shouldn't have to hide if I'm going through a depressive episode. It's me. It's who I am. If I could change it, I would...most of the time. But I can't. So I deal. And I wish everyone else could too.
Katie
So I kind of went off the deep end the last few weeks. Just kind of disappeared into my own world in my head and haven't really reached out. For those of you that actually do read these and like to keep up with my progress...I'm sorry I've left you hanging! Definitely not intentional. So many times I thought, man I should get on there and give an update. Then I thought, eh....no one really cares.
I do that to myself A LOT. Try to convince myself that no one cares. No one will really notice if I don't post. No one will notice if I don't go to church. No one will notice if I start self harming again. No one will pay attention to my moods or if I'm down.
But guess what. That's crap. People do notice. And then I get angry at them. Why should they care what I'm doing with my life? Is it effecting them? Most of the time it's not. Not really. What gives them a right to watch and criticize me?? That's not their job. Only one person can do that. Blah blah blah blah blah. I genuinely dislike when someone takes interest in me or how I'm doing. I disappoint myself enough as it is. I don't want to have to worry about disappointing anyone else. But I do.
The truth is, no matter how much I pretend that I don't give a crap what people think, it's what makes or breaks me. I wear my heart completely on my sleeve. If I am close to you, you will know it. I will do ANYTHING for you. Literally. Anything. If I'm out doing something with my kids or family and something happens to a friend....you better believe I will think of every possible way to try to change my plans to help them or make them happy. It could be something as trivial as they are bored and really wanted someone to hang out with or go to a movie. I'm so afraid of not being the person that they need in that time, that I will change around my entire day to try to cater to everyone else.
Don't get me wrong. I say no. Usually it's when I'm in a bad mood and really just don't want to do anything. At all. Or when I'm reflecting on things and feeling like people are not there for me like I am for them. Then I get resentful and it turns into a big thing where I just say no to everyone for like a week. And obviously, anything with my kids will come first. If I'm busy with them, I can say no and feel justified. But if I'm sitting at home and someone I love is having a hard time in one way or another...yeah.... I will usually be there.
My husband tells me that I have a savior complex. A need to rescue people. He's pretty spot on with that. I like to feel like I can save someone even when I can't save myself from my own mind. If someone is struggling, I want to be the one that fixes things for them. I want to make things all better. And when I can't, I take it VERY personally. Even when what they are doing is to themselves. Or a choice they are making on their own. I can't stop my NEED to make them stop. To change their point of view and their outlook.
But let's be honest.
No one can do that for them just like no one can do that for me. No matter how much I wish someone could take this all away from me. How badly I want someone to just turn off my mind or give me a pill to take it all away. I know that it's not possible. No one can do it for me.
But I honestly don't know how to do it for myself.
I see so many inspirational quotes on Facebook and Pinterest telling me to "Be the change you wish to see!" "There is no remote in life! Get up and change it yourself" "If your path seems too difficult it's just because you have a higher calling!" (WHAT IS THAT??) Or my absolute favorite " I just woke up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like this anymore. So I changed!" Oh, how much I hate these quotes sometimes.
How AMAZING it must be to be these people! I mean, those quotes are totally awesome for greeting cards. Really great. But for the real world? Come on. Let's be realistic. You can't just change everything on a whim if you feel like it. Life has consequences. Bad things happen. Every day. To each and every one of us. Does it help if you have a good attitude about it? Probably. Does it change the fact that life kind of sucks sometimes? Nope. I can have every single positive thought in the book and just live with a smile on my face all day every day. It's not going to change the fact that bad things are going to happen to me. To the people I love. Should I dwell on that? Nope. And I don't plan to. But I really just wish that people could be realistic. Everything isn't rosy. NO ONE is in a good mood all the time. And we shouldn't have to be. I shouldn't have to hide if I'm going through a depressive episode. It's me. It's who I am. If I could change it, I would...most of the time. But I can't. So I deal. And I wish everyone else could too.
Katie
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Downslide
My emotions are all over the place.
Right now I kind of want to cry, laugh and punch someone all at the same time.
SURPRISE!!!
I am not "cured"!
The medication isn't my magic pill that I thought it might be!
The emotions are in full swing and I have a feeling it's going to be a bumpy ride.
So I'm going to take you all along with me on this awesome journey! Sound like fun? Great! Let's do this.
So I'm on my third week with the medication changes. Last week was pretty much amazing! I was kind of on top of the world! I really thought that my life was just going to be better! It was awesome! I was excited about things again! I was laughing. ALOT. At everything. It felt so good. People saw a change and loved it. So did I. I hadn't felt that happy in a long time.
Then, slowly, it started to fade. Again. The happy feelings that I crave and long for, just weren't there anymore. Every single sound is heightened in the worst possible way. I feel like I'm on the edge of just completely losing my crap on the next person that says something the wrong way. I hate this feeling. When I feel the lump in my throat and every muscle in my body feels so tense it hurts. I know that inevitably I will end up having a crying spell but I always fight it to the very end. Until I can't hold it in anymore. And I end up angry with everyone. Including myself.
Oh, how I honestly can't even stand to be in my own skin at times like this. I so want to be someone else. Someone that doesn't feel this way. Someone else that can turn all of this off and act like none of it is there. Even if I felt this way and could physically and mentally move passed it. I would take that any day over feeling like I have no control over my own mind and body.
Some of you may read this and think, OMG she is such a whiner! Just get over it already! We all have problems right? We all wish that we could just go back to bed some days. We all have things we don't want to do. But you just do it and move on.
Do you know how many times a day I tell myself that?? How much I loathe myself when I feel this way? How worthless I feel everyday because I can't do the normal things that adults do? I spend most of my day trying to "get over it" and "move on". So much so that most of the time I will. I will move on until I can't anymore. That is when I will either have a nervous breakdown of some sort, completely lose it on my family and friends, or go on a spending spree and put us into financial ruin.
So I'm choosing a healthier outlet. This blog is my outlet. A place where I can be real and write out exactly what I'm feeling. Do I feel better right now after typing all of this? A little. But eventually my therapy and medication is going to take effect. And I might not feel so extremely depressed. That is when I can look back on this and realize how much better I am doing. How much I have grown. How much my life and my mind have changed.
I can't wait for that day.
Katie
Right now I kind of want to cry, laugh and punch someone all at the same time.
SURPRISE!!!
I am not "cured"!
The medication isn't my magic pill that I thought it might be!
The emotions are in full swing and I have a feeling it's going to be a bumpy ride.
So I'm going to take you all along with me on this awesome journey! Sound like fun? Great! Let's do this.
So I'm on my third week with the medication changes. Last week was pretty much amazing! I was kind of on top of the world! I really thought that my life was just going to be better! It was awesome! I was excited about things again! I was laughing. ALOT. At everything. It felt so good. People saw a change and loved it. So did I. I hadn't felt that happy in a long time.
Then, slowly, it started to fade. Again. The happy feelings that I crave and long for, just weren't there anymore. Every single sound is heightened in the worst possible way. I feel like I'm on the edge of just completely losing my crap on the next person that says something the wrong way. I hate this feeling. When I feel the lump in my throat and every muscle in my body feels so tense it hurts. I know that inevitably I will end up having a crying spell but I always fight it to the very end. Until I can't hold it in anymore. And I end up angry with everyone. Including myself.
Oh, how I honestly can't even stand to be in my own skin at times like this. I so want to be someone else. Someone that doesn't feel this way. Someone else that can turn all of this off and act like none of it is there. Even if I felt this way and could physically and mentally move passed it. I would take that any day over feeling like I have no control over my own mind and body.
Some of you may read this and think, OMG she is such a whiner! Just get over it already! We all have problems right? We all wish that we could just go back to bed some days. We all have things we don't want to do. But you just do it and move on.
Do you know how many times a day I tell myself that?? How much I loathe myself when I feel this way? How worthless I feel everyday because I can't do the normal things that adults do? I spend most of my day trying to "get over it" and "move on". So much so that most of the time I will. I will move on until I can't anymore. That is when I will either have a nervous breakdown of some sort, completely lose it on my family and friends, or go on a spending spree and put us into financial ruin.
So I'm choosing a healthier outlet. This blog is my outlet. A place where I can be real and write out exactly what I'm feeling. Do I feel better right now after typing all of this? A little. But eventually my therapy and medication is going to take effect. And I might not feel so extremely depressed. That is when I can look back on this and realize how much better I am doing. How much I have grown. How much my life and my mind have changed.
I can't wait for that day.
Katie
Monday, July 20, 2015
Warrior Moms
This video is incredible. Everything that I want women to know is here. It's a great overview of how every woman can experience postpartum differently and for different periods of time! Please watch and share!!
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Rachel Platten - Fight Song (Official Video)
This is the song I tried to add to my last post. This is my anthem. Whenever I'm feeling sorry for myself or like I'm not going to get through, this song picks me up. No matter what you are going through, you still have so much fight left in you!!! Never forget that.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
What I Need the World to Understand About Postpartum Depression
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc
Have you ever felt like you were outside of your body looking in? Have you ever been so disgusted with yourself that you thought you didn't deserve to even live? Have you ever tried to push everyone in your life away because you thought they were all better off without you in their lives? Have you ever held your newborn baby in your arms and felt absolutely nothing?
If you have felt any of those things at any time in your life. I'm truly sorry. I know how that feels.
If you have felt all of these things at once....no words cannot describe how connected I feel to you. And how much my heart breaks for you.
When I wrote the Intro post on this blog I touched a little bit on my Postpartum Depression when I had my son in 2010. Some of you may have read that and thought, Wow. This woman is ridiculous. How can you have a new baby and not feel love in your heart? How can you look in their sweet innocent face and not want to kiss or hug them?
Believe me. Nothing that you thought is something that didn't go through my own mind over and over. Every day.
Maybe you read my post and thought, Oh my gosh. This is me. This is my life. I felt the exact same thing. I had no idea this was a "thing". I thought it was just me.
If that's you, I'm writing for you. I am writing to spread awareness of mental illness in general. But Postpartum has a special place in my heart. It made me who I am today.
Some of you may think, is she crazy? There is no way that she is like she is now because of Postpartum Depression! That stuff is awful! It tears families apart. It separates mothers from their children. I mean, women actually kill their kids in some cases! And in SOME CASES, you would be right. It does do all of those things. Sometimes awful things do happen. But it is not one size fits all. Not every woman going through this is out to kill her children or herself. Did you know that there are actually AT LEAST 5 different ways that Postpartum can present itself. FIVE. Not just one. Do we feel like we want to run away? Like they would be better off without us in their lives? Do we feel guilty? Absolutely. But we aren't trying to hurt anyone. If anything, we are trying to protect them.
Please understand that if a you or a woman you know is going through this, they are not doing it on purpose. They are not doing it to get attention. Or to try to get out of their responsibilities. We want the exact opposite. Many women are hiding how they really feel every single day because of what it would look like to other people. I was criticized over and over during that time. Told that if I would just distract myself I would be able to turn it off. The anxiety that I had every single day would just disappear. I would get through it. You do what you have to do. And the worst, if I couldn't handle it then maybe I shouldn't have had another kid.
Even typing that still hurts my heart.
Please know that I didn't ask for any of this. Why God chose me to walk this journey, I will maybe never know. For right now, I'm going to say that it is to help as many other women as I possibly can to know that Postpartum Depression really is a "THING". It's real.
Please DO NOT compare it to the baby blues. Don't do it. I may punch you in your face. Don't get me wrong, the baby blues can really suck. I had that with my first son. It can feel like you are losing your mind. But Postpartum, that's a whole different beast.
Please don't assume that every woman with Postpartum Depression is trying to hurt/kill her child. If we were, we would have been diagnosed with Postpartum Psychosis!!!! Different things. Different treatment. Just different.
Please know that if you are going through this or have ever gone through this. There is help. Support groups in OUR area! Actually, some pretty great resources are available for you and I can help you find them!
And finally, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be easy on yourself or the person you know going through this time. I GUARANTEE that you/they are being much harder on your/themselves than anyone else ever could be. Know that this too shall pass. You have A LOT of fight left in you!!! Find your own Fight Song!
Be Kind. Always. Everyone is fighting a battle that we know nothing about.
Katie
Monday, July 13, 2015
Adjustment
Hey everyone. Sorry it's been a few days since I posted last! I have definitely been going through an adjustment period. But so far so good.
So, I started my new medication on Wednesday to help with my mood swings. I was told that the medication would probably not help for awhile as it's one that has to build up in your system. Well, I knew I was sensitive to medication but let me just tell you, I have felt AH-MAZING the last few days.
On that note, I am very confused by this new feeling of happiness and relaxation.
I had my counseling appointment this morning and still rated myself very low in regards to how I have felt about myself, relationships, and overall for the week. I was actually very surprised by that. I have been laughing more than I have in a LONG time. I have felt relaxed and have not really been anxious at all. I have been nice to my husband and my kids and not irritated at the little things. So what the heck is my problem??
We talked through it, and I came to the realization that I am extremely uncomfortable with feeling happy. I'm not used to it. People look at my differently and comment about how at ease and happy I seem. I hate that. That makes me feel like they are so used to seeing my miserable and quiet that they are genuinely shocked when I'm not acting that way. So I have actually been trying to stop myself from being different. I have tried to continue in my normal behaviors and act like nothing has changed. Because let's be honest, my doctor flat out told me that this medication was going to take quite awhile before I would see much of a difference. So there is no way that this happiness that I feel is real. I must be MANIC! That's it! I'm just on the other end of the spectrum that I don't get to experience very often! I'm just out of my mind in a different way. This isn't normal either. So I better not get used to feeling good. Or happy. Or relaxed. This is just a stage in my adjustment process. I'm going to be back to my old grumpy, irritated, unhappy self in no time! Then I can go back to being unnoticed! No one will question me then! No one will talk about how they can't believe how different I am!!! Everything will be better when I can just go back to my normal.
BUT I DON'T WANT THAT!!!!!! I WANT to be the person that has popped up in the last couple of days!!! Happy. Ready to go on an adventure! Ready to enjoy the summer and have events at my house! Ready for people to think that me being happy is NORMAL. I'm not Manic. I'm not Depressed. I'm not Bipolar. I'm Katie. Just Katie.
I'm done being my illness. I am tired of feeling like I have a cloud over my head and that people can see it. I'm tired of being frustrated and taking it out on everyone that I love. I love the new feeling of NOT being anxious all the time. I was able to have conversations with people this weekend that I NEVER would have been able to have even two weeks ago!!! I love it.
Am I fully expecting to have setbacks and to feel depressed sometimes? Absolutely. I am human. Just because I'm on medication, does not mean I can't feel emotions. I can be angry, upset, anxious, tired, happy, elated, and everything in between!! And I'm okay with that. I want to feel everything again! Feeling numb sucks! I'm done with that! I don't know why I'm already seeing a change. According to a medical professional, this shouldn't be happening. I should still have a couple weeks of misery.
But it is. It's happening. And it feels amazing. This is the me that I want to be. And I'm ready to embrace her.
*Katie*
So, I started my new medication on Wednesday to help with my mood swings. I was told that the medication would probably not help for awhile as it's one that has to build up in your system. Well, I knew I was sensitive to medication but let me just tell you, I have felt AH-MAZING the last few days.
On that note, I am very confused by this new feeling of happiness and relaxation.
I had my counseling appointment this morning and still rated myself very low in regards to how I have felt about myself, relationships, and overall for the week. I was actually very surprised by that. I have been laughing more than I have in a LONG time. I have felt relaxed and have not really been anxious at all. I have been nice to my husband and my kids and not irritated at the little things. So what the heck is my problem??
We talked through it, and I came to the realization that I am extremely uncomfortable with feeling happy. I'm not used to it. People look at my differently and comment about how at ease and happy I seem. I hate that. That makes me feel like they are so used to seeing my miserable and quiet that they are genuinely shocked when I'm not acting that way. So I have actually been trying to stop myself from being different. I have tried to continue in my normal behaviors and act like nothing has changed. Because let's be honest, my doctor flat out told me that this medication was going to take quite awhile before I would see much of a difference. So there is no way that this happiness that I feel is real. I must be MANIC! That's it! I'm just on the other end of the spectrum that I don't get to experience very often! I'm just out of my mind in a different way. This isn't normal either. So I better not get used to feeling good. Or happy. Or relaxed. This is just a stage in my adjustment process. I'm going to be back to my old grumpy, irritated, unhappy self in no time! Then I can go back to being unnoticed! No one will question me then! No one will talk about how they can't believe how different I am!!! Everything will be better when I can just go back to my normal.
BUT I DON'T WANT THAT!!!!!! I WANT to be the person that has popped up in the last couple of days!!! Happy. Ready to go on an adventure! Ready to enjoy the summer and have events at my house! Ready for people to think that me being happy is NORMAL. I'm not Manic. I'm not Depressed. I'm not Bipolar. I'm Katie. Just Katie.
I'm done being my illness. I am tired of feeling like I have a cloud over my head and that people can see it. I'm tired of being frustrated and taking it out on everyone that I love. I love the new feeling of NOT being anxious all the time. I was able to have conversations with people this weekend that I NEVER would have been able to have even two weeks ago!!! I love it.
Am I fully expecting to have setbacks and to feel depressed sometimes? Absolutely. I am human. Just because I'm on medication, does not mean I can't feel emotions. I can be angry, upset, anxious, tired, happy, elated, and everything in between!! And I'm okay with that. I want to feel everything again! Feeling numb sucks! I'm done with that! I don't know why I'm already seeing a change. According to a medical professional, this shouldn't be happening. I should still have a couple weeks of misery.
But it is. It's happening. And it feels amazing. This is the me that I want to be. And I'm ready to embrace her.
*Katie*
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