What comes to your mind when you think of self harm?
What if I told you that you probably have someone close to you that struggles with self harm? You don't believe it?
What if I told you that 4% of the population in the United States, suffer from self harm? Would you assume they were all teenagers?
You would be very wrong.
I began cutting myself when I was 15 but it has continued throughout my life.
My depression and anxiety were at an all time high in high school. Many times, when people think of a teenager who struggles with self harm, they think of a girl, dressed in all black, listening to emo music in a dark room, crying and thinking about how she can use it to get attention.
And here lies the misconception. I mean, I listened to pop and country music mostly.
Seriously though, I was the bubbly girl known for her contagious laugh and good personality. I was involved in all kinds of activities. Involved in church. The whole nine yards.
People that legitimately struggle with self harm, don't want attention. It's actually the worst thing that they can imagine. They don't want the people that they care about to know that they hurt themselves.
Think about it.
Do you think if you told someone close to you that you feel a sense of relief when you cut your skin open and see blood run down your body, that they would say "oh we're happy you found something to help relieve stress"??
I hid my cutting from everyone. I did it in areas that people couldn't see or could be easily covered. As the depression got worse, so did the self harm. I began getting sloppy and cutting more visible areas. I had rabbits at the time, so it was easy to explain bandages on my arms. Long sleeves and pants were my regular attire regardless of the temperature. I just said for years that I didn't want to wear anything but jeans. I rode horses alot at the time as well. So again, easy to get away with.
Two of the biggest signs that someone might be a cutter, I had explanations for. There is usually always an excuse of some sort. We learn to come up with lies to explain the cuts pretty quickly.
Now don't get me wrong, cutting is not the only or even main form of self harm. It's just the main one for me. I've dabbled in other things but always received the most relief/euphoria from cutting.
The definition for self harm is: Nonsuicidal self-injury, often simply called self-injury, is the act of deliberately harming the surface of your own body, such as cutting or burning yourself. It's typically not meant as a suicide attempt. Rather, this type of self-injury is an unhealthy way to cope with emotional pain, intense anger and frustration.
The other big misconception about people that self harm, is that they are suicidal. The opposite was true for myself and many other "cutters" that I've asked. I was literally scared to death of death. Still struggle with that today. I don't want to die
We don't want to kill ourselves.
Most of the time.
This isn't one size fits all.
If someone you know has been making suicidal comments or plans, that's a whole new ballgame and you need to seek help for them.
But for the most part, the two reasons that people tend to use self harm is because they don't feel anything and desperately want to feel. Or they are feeling way too much at once and need one thing to focus on to calm down.
You know how if something hurts, sometimes people will say to pinch yourself somewhere else to take your mind off of the pain you felt originally? That's what a self harmer is essentially trying to do. Distract themselves from their internal pain. Is it healthy? No. Is it the right way to express emotions? No. Is it a good coping mechanism? No. Do I recommend it? Hell no.
I want to shine some light on this subject. I want it to become a topic that people can talk about without judgement. I want there to be support groups for the self harmer besides the psych ward at the hospital. I want like a Self-Harmer Anonymous vibe going on. A safe place for people to come to learn good coping skills. To get through an urge as it's happening. Let's support each other. Get rid of the stereotypical views and stigma surrounding this topic. Reach out. Get help. I'm here for anyone, anytime.
Thursday, August 10, 2017
Sunday, July 23, 2017
The Inevitable Spiral
It's happening.
I can feel it.
The clouds are forming and the shadows are setting in.
It's a dark, cold, lonely place.
And I'm back to visit.
God help me.
When the moods of a bipolar patient shift, the world becomes a different place each time. For the last few months everything has been vibrant. Fun. Bright. At ease. It's been my light after the dark just a few short months ago. It's when the adventurous part of me blossoms and makes memories to remember until the light comes back again. I crave this place. This setting. The place where anxiety doesn't really exist. Where I feel high on life. Where I am not seeing a doctor or therapist every week because I have nothing to talk about. Where I eat anything I want without worry of how I look or how it makes me feel. When I'm in this place, I feel like I could do anything. I can accomplish any goal that I've ever dreamed about. I'm capable. Strong. Taking less medication. The best, and ultimately worst, times of my life are spent here.
Why the worst times?
Because, inevitably during a Bipolar 1 manic phase, you go too far. In one way or another, you lose control of yourself and do things that you wouldn't normally do. You spend too much, you leave and don't tell anyone, you stop your medication all together, you disregard responsibilities because you don't care about anything else but the happiness and elation that you are feeling. You never know how long it's going to last. So you become consumed with trying to make it last as long as you can. Doing things to keep your happiness up even if it means hurting yourself or someone else.
Can you relate? Have you been there? Have you hurt someone that you care about during a manic episode? Have you hurt yourself?
We think mania is our friend. We think that it's the time where we are our best self. The happiest, smartest and most beautiful that we can be. But before we know it, the elation is gone. And we are left with the aftermath of our manic episode. Whatever that might look like.
The guilt sets in. How did I not see it coming? I knew the happiness and the feelings of accomplishing anything were unrealistic for me.
But we don't want to stop it. It feels good. We feel bad too often. We hate ourselves and our minds too often. Without the mania, we feel empty most of the time. Like life is swallowing us and there is nothing we can do to stop it. We don't feel strong. We don't feel capable. We feel tired. We lose the control that we swore we had during mania.
But mania isn't controlled. It controls you. It takes over. It tells you that the only thing that matters is your happiness. It tells you that you deserve anything you want, even if it's not what's best for you. It's a liar. It's selfish.
So as this manic phase comes to an end, and the darkness starts to roll back in, I'm going to practice self care.
I'm going to tell myself that it's going to be okay even as the mania fades. I'm aware of my mood shifts and how they work. I have my resources on speed dial. And I'm not going to let the darkness take over.
I'm going to have to fight like crazy.
But the darkness won't win.
Katie
I can feel it.
The clouds are forming and the shadows are setting in.
It's a dark, cold, lonely place.
And I'm back to visit.
God help me.
When the moods of a bipolar patient shift, the world becomes a different place each time. For the last few months everything has been vibrant. Fun. Bright. At ease. It's been my light after the dark just a few short months ago. It's when the adventurous part of me blossoms and makes memories to remember until the light comes back again. I crave this place. This setting. The place where anxiety doesn't really exist. Where I feel high on life. Where I am not seeing a doctor or therapist every week because I have nothing to talk about. Where I eat anything I want without worry of how I look or how it makes me feel. When I'm in this place, I feel like I could do anything. I can accomplish any goal that I've ever dreamed about. I'm capable. Strong. Taking less medication. The best, and ultimately worst, times of my life are spent here.
Why the worst times?
Because, inevitably during a Bipolar 1 manic phase, you go too far. In one way or another, you lose control of yourself and do things that you wouldn't normally do. You spend too much, you leave and don't tell anyone, you stop your medication all together, you disregard responsibilities because you don't care about anything else but the happiness and elation that you are feeling. You never know how long it's going to last. So you become consumed with trying to make it last as long as you can. Doing things to keep your happiness up even if it means hurting yourself or someone else.
Can you relate? Have you been there? Have you hurt someone that you care about during a manic episode? Have you hurt yourself?
We think mania is our friend. We think that it's the time where we are our best self. The happiest, smartest and most beautiful that we can be. But before we know it, the elation is gone. And we are left with the aftermath of our manic episode. Whatever that might look like.
The guilt sets in. How did I not see it coming? I knew the happiness and the feelings of accomplishing anything were unrealistic for me.
But we don't want to stop it. It feels good. We feel bad too often. We hate ourselves and our minds too often. Without the mania, we feel empty most of the time. Like life is swallowing us and there is nothing we can do to stop it. We don't feel strong. We don't feel capable. We feel tired. We lose the control that we swore we had during mania.
But mania isn't controlled. It controls you. It takes over. It tells you that the only thing that matters is your happiness. It tells you that you deserve anything you want, even if it's not what's best for you. It's a liar. It's selfish.
So as this manic phase comes to an end, and the darkness starts to roll back in, I'm going to practice self care.
I'm going to tell myself that it's going to be okay even as the mania fades. I'm aware of my mood shifts and how they work. I have my resources on speed dial. And I'm not going to let the darkness take over.
I'm going to have to fight like crazy.
But the darkness won't win.
Katie
Sunday, July 9, 2017
Guess who's back?
Hey everyone.
I'm back.
I know, I know. You've been dying for me to write another post. You just haven't even been able to function for the last like 8 months.
No? Not so much? Your life doesn't revolve around my blog?? Pshh. Fine then.
No really though. I'm so happy to be writing another post.
I'm learning that my lack of commitment in pretty much every endeavor that I pursue, tends to make me unreliable. Being a blogger has definitely not proven to be any different. 😂😂
So, life has been pretty crazy with it being summer and the kids being out of school. It's been fun. But crazy. But we have just been trying to relax and enjoy it. See what I did there??? 😉
So far since the kids have been out of school we have: taken a week long vacation to Disney World, went to multiple birthday bashes, went to the zoo and have been swimming like fish!!
Disney was AH-MAZING. Best week of my life. I had never been, so obviously I was worse than the children when it came to excitement. I mean, getting to see Cinderella's castle in real life? Getting to meet the real (you can't convince me otherwise) Minnie and Mickey Mouse?? All of my dreams literally came true that week. So incredible.
We took the kids to the zoo which is always a good time as well. Got to see a new Dinosaur Island attraction there that was pretty stellar as well. Many more trips in our future because we got ourselves a membership this year. That's right. We don't have to pay $10 to park anymore. We're kind of a big deal.
So as far as mental illness goes, it's Summer, which means I seem to need less medication to keep me from panicking all day everyday or going into a deep depression. So that's always good news! I tend to go into mania around this time though as well. My manic times have not fared well so far. So I get nervous when this time comes. I'm not the best at seeing it coming. But luckily, I've got plenty of friends and family that can tell when my crazy is just getting beyond out of control. They let me know that it might be a good time to go talk to my counselor that I've cancelled my last three appointments with because I feel fantastic! Or they I might want me to let them hide my debit card because my kids don't need 10 pairs of shorts when they have a dresser full at home. Ya know. The stuff friends and family are there for! So thank God for them. Lord knows I wouldn't be here without them.
So anyway, this has been the latest edition of my ramblings. I'm thinking I'm going to continue rambling at least for the next week or so. But I'm not going to say "oh yeah I'm posting everyday and this is my new big thing that I'm going to do all the time." Because that never ends up working out for me. As we discussed earlier, I tend to lack motivation when it comes to these things. So instead, I will say, I'm currently in the mood to write blogs, so you will probably be seeing a few in the near future! If not, just know that I really was thinking at the time of writing this, that I want to blog again. Hopefully it sticks this time and I can keep impressing you with my fun and witty diatribes.
Thank you for reading this hot mess of a post. I promise they will get better. I'm sure I'll read this tomorrow and think, what the hell was wrong with you last night? But for now, I'm thinking this post is pretty much comedic gold.
Goodnight all.
Katie
I'm back.
I know, I know. You've been dying for me to write another post. You just haven't even been able to function for the last like 8 months.
No? Not so much? Your life doesn't revolve around my blog?? Pshh. Fine then.
No really though. I'm so happy to be writing another post.
I'm learning that my lack of commitment in pretty much every endeavor that I pursue, tends to make me unreliable. Being a blogger has definitely not proven to be any different. 😂😂
So, life has been pretty crazy with it being summer and the kids being out of school. It's been fun. But crazy. But we have just been trying to relax and enjoy it. See what I did there??? 😉
So far since the kids have been out of school we have: taken a week long vacation to Disney World, went to multiple birthday bashes, went to the zoo and have been swimming like fish!!
Disney was AH-MAZING. Best week of my life. I had never been, so obviously I was worse than the children when it came to excitement. I mean, getting to see Cinderella's castle in real life? Getting to meet the real (you can't convince me otherwise) Minnie and Mickey Mouse?? All of my dreams literally came true that week. So incredible.
We took the kids to the zoo which is always a good time as well. Got to see a new Dinosaur Island attraction there that was pretty stellar as well. Many more trips in our future because we got ourselves a membership this year. That's right. We don't have to pay $10 to park anymore. We're kind of a big deal.
So as far as mental illness goes, it's Summer, which means I seem to need less medication to keep me from panicking all day everyday or going into a deep depression. So that's always good news! I tend to go into mania around this time though as well. My manic times have not fared well so far. So I get nervous when this time comes. I'm not the best at seeing it coming. But luckily, I've got plenty of friends and family that can tell when my crazy is just getting beyond out of control. They let me know that it might be a good time to go talk to my counselor that I've cancelled my last three appointments with because I feel fantastic! Or they I might want me to let them hide my debit card because my kids don't need 10 pairs of shorts when they have a dresser full at home. Ya know. The stuff friends and family are there for! So thank God for them. Lord knows I wouldn't be here without them.
So anyway, this has been the latest edition of my ramblings. I'm thinking I'm going to continue rambling at least for the next week or so. But I'm not going to say "oh yeah I'm posting everyday and this is my new big thing that I'm going to do all the time." Because that never ends up working out for me. As we discussed earlier, I tend to lack motivation when it comes to these things. So instead, I will say, I'm currently in the mood to write blogs, so you will probably be seeing a few in the near future! If not, just know that I really was thinking at the time of writing this, that I want to blog again. Hopefully it sticks this time and I can keep impressing you with my fun and witty diatribes.
Thank you for reading this hot mess of a post. I promise they will get better. I'm sure I'll read this tomorrow and think, what the hell was wrong with you last night? But for now, I'm thinking this post is pretty much comedic gold.
Goodnight all.
Katie
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Being a mom is pretty awesome!
Hey guys,
So, I've taken quite a long hiatus from blogging and I've decided that it's time to come back and share my wittiness with the world. I know you are so excited.
So far on the blog I've focused mostly on my mental illness and all that it entails. Which is alot. But there is a whole other side to me that I haven't talked about much and I want to share with all of you.
I'm a mom to three pretty amazing children. I love them with every ounce of my being. They are the sweetest, most wonderful children (at times) and for the most part, they keep me sane.
My oldest son got my sarcasm and my emotions. He wears his heart on his sleeve and can get hurt so easily. But he also loves deeply and is always there to help someone in need. My middle son is extremely strong willed and wants everything to go his way. But he is also one of the funniest and most caring little guys that I know. My daughter is a threenager. She is my light in the dark world and can always make me smile.
They, along with my incredible husband, are my world and I'm so excited to share about my crazy life with them. I can't wait to share how funny and witty they are. You may not care, but they are pretty hilarious so it needs to be shared.
Any other moms out there that are just trying to stay sane until bedtime? I know I'm not alone!
Anyway, just wanted to update the blog and let you know that I'm going to try to shift gears to a little lighter content. Try to bring some humor and goofiness into the picture and just trying to enjoy life a bit more. That's what it's all about right? Can't wait to talk with you all!!!
Be back soon!
So, I've taken quite a long hiatus from blogging and I've decided that it's time to come back and share my wittiness with the world. I know you are so excited.
So far on the blog I've focused mostly on my mental illness and all that it entails. Which is alot. But there is a whole other side to me that I haven't talked about much and I want to share with all of you.
I'm a mom to three pretty amazing children. I love them with every ounce of my being. They are the sweetest, most wonderful children (at times) and for the most part, they keep me sane.
My oldest son got my sarcasm and my emotions. He wears his heart on his sleeve and can get hurt so easily. But he also loves deeply and is always there to help someone in need. My middle son is extremely strong willed and wants everything to go his way. But he is also one of the funniest and most caring little guys that I know. My daughter is a threenager. She is my light in the dark world and can always make me smile.
They, along with my incredible husband, are my world and I'm so excited to share about my crazy life with them. I can't wait to share how funny and witty they are. You may not care, but they are pretty hilarious so it needs to be shared.
Any other moms out there that are just trying to stay sane until bedtime? I know I'm not alone!
Anyway, just wanted to update the blog and let you know that I'm going to try to shift gears to a little lighter content. Try to bring some humor and goofiness into the picture and just trying to enjoy life a bit more. That's what it's all about right? Can't wait to talk with you all!!!
Be back soon!
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Stop The Stigma
Have you ever felt completely debilitated by something? So completely taken over by emotion that you honestly don't know from one minute to the next if you are going to keep breathing? Keep holding on? If you even want to anymore?
Welcome to the world of anxiety.
Lately, my anxiety has been through the roof. No real rhyme or reason to it usually. Just one small little thing in someone else's eyes, can cause a complete breakdown for me. One small shot of pain through my body can make me think that I'm dying. One negative thought about myself can send me into a self loathing spiral. It really is that simple.
Life isn't easy for any of us. It's hard and complicated and can break even the strongest person. Before my diagnosis, I never understood why people that seemed fine on the outside, couldn't take care of everyday tasks. Yes, some people are capable and they just don't do what they should. I understand that. But 1 out of every 4 Americans suffer from a diagnosed mental disorder. That's over 26% of our country. Yet, it's one of the least respected and understood illnesses. For some reason, people assume that you should be able to be stronger than a chemical imbalance in your body. You should be able to think good thoughts and convince yourself that you are fine. You should be able to control your thoughts and your emotions. It's your fault that you aren't happy. Just change it.
I wish it was that simple. If it was, there would be so many illnesses that would just go away. Pretty much any chemical imbalance should be able to be reversed with that logic. No one should suffer from diabetes. No one should struggle with auto-immune disorders. If you just convince yourself that you are fine, you will be. It's all in how you look at it.
Let me ask you a question. Do you think that people who suffer from panic attacks want to feel like they are dying? Do you think that they love feeling like they can't breathe? They want attention so badly that they break down in the middle of a store? Think about it. Do you think that people with depression love feeling like the world would be better off without them here? Do you think they wake up every morning and say, I can't wait to get up and have absolutely not energy or to feel no happiness when I look at my children? Let's be realistic.
The stigma has to stop. These are legitimate illnesses that need professional help and many times, medications to control. We live with this every day. Many people with mental illness are the strongest people that I have ever met. They wake up everyday, knowing that they are going to have to fight every thought that comes into their mind. Every urge that they have to stay in bed, hurt themselves, not eat, cry, panic, worry, become irritated and so on.
We fight harder than people can even understand. Just remember that the next time you think someone is being lazy.
Welcome to the world of anxiety.
Lately, my anxiety has been through the roof. No real rhyme or reason to it usually. Just one small little thing in someone else's eyes, can cause a complete breakdown for me. One small shot of pain through my body can make me think that I'm dying. One negative thought about myself can send me into a self loathing spiral. It really is that simple.
Life isn't easy for any of us. It's hard and complicated and can break even the strongest person. Before my diagnosis, I never understood why people that seemed fine on the outside, couldn't take care of everyday tasks. Yes, some people are capable and they just don't do what they should. I understand that. But 1 out of every 4 Americans suffer from a diagnosed mental disorder. That's over 26% of our country. Yet, it's one of the least respected and understood illnesses. For some reason, people assume that you should be able to be stronger than a chemical imbalance in your body. You should be able to think good thoughts and convince yourself that you are fine. You should be able to control your thoughts and your emotions. It's your fault that you aren't happy. Just change it.
I wish it was that simple. If it was, there would be so many illnesses that would just go away. Pretty much any chemical imbalance should be able to be reversed with that logic. No one should suffer from diabetes. No one should struggle with auto-immune disorders. If you just convince yourself that you are fine, you will be. It's all in how you look at it.
Let me ask you a question. Do you think that people who suffer from panic attacks want to feel like they are dying? Do you think that they love feeling like they can't breathe? They want attention so badly that they break down in the middle of a store? Think about it. Do you think that people with depression love feeling like the world would be better off without them here? Do you think they wake up every morning and say, I can't wait to get up and have absolutely not energy or to feel no happiness when I look at my children? Let's be realistic.
The stigma has to stop. These are legitimate illnesses that need professional help and many times, medications to control. We live with this every day. Many people with mental illness are the strongest people that I have ever met. They wake up everyday, knowing that they are going to have to fight every thought that comes into their mind. Every urge that they have to stay in bed, hurt themselves, not eat, cry, panic, worry, become irritated and so on.
We fight harder than people can even understand. Just remember that the next time you think someone is being lazy.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Hey everyone.
It's been quite awhile for me again. I'm not really sure why. I guess just feeling like it's not that big of a deal if I post or not. But I've definitely noticed that blogging helps me. When I don't get things out on here, I bottle them up, and then usually explode. So I need to stop letting this go. This is my safe place that I can let out the ridiculous amounts of emotion in my head on a regular basis. Whether anyone reads or not, it's good therapy for me.
So Monday I start a new therapy called EMDR. It's an eye movement exercise that is supposed to help you kind of reprogram the way your mind works. I've realized through my sessions thus far that my biggest problem is that I am a failure. Or at least, that's what goes through my mind every minute of everyday. I've convinced myself that this is true and so it has become true. I never finish anything completely. I get really excited about things and then just let them go after a few weeks because I feel like I'm not good enough. When I'm working, I feel like I'm not a good enough mother because I'm leaving my kids. When I'm not working I feel like a failure because I can't ever hold a job longer than a few months because I feel like I should be at work and providing financially for our one income family of 5. This struggle goes on in my head daily. Everytime I've had a job I get so anxious and panicked thinking that I'm not doing a good enough job, I should be with my kids, the person training me hates me and thinks I'm stupid, people don't like me, etc. Etc. You should try living in my head sometime. It's great. Really.
I do this with everything in my life. I'm not a good enough wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, etc. That's where my constant need to help everyone and try to fix everything comes from. But, all that does is make the feelings of failure worse because I always come up short. I feel like a disappointment to everyone because I'm 29 years old and have 3 kids and still can't get my crap together.
So, as you can see, I'm definetely in need of some reprogramming. Soon. I know this sounds like a whoa is me post. But it really isn't. I know that I have so much going for me and an amazing life but to me, I don't deserve any of it because I'm worthless. I know. Harsh word right? Try living with that mentality everyday all day and no matter what, never being able to shake it. Hence, why I'm writing. Why I'm going to therapy. Why I'm trying different avenues to try and not feel this way anymore.
Thinking this way is just a downward spiral. And no matter how much I tell myself that it's not true, I truly in my heart, feel that it is. So next time you want to tell someone to suck it up, get over it, move on, don't worry about that stuff, etc. Please just consider the fact that they don't want to feel/think that way. They really don't. It doesn't help them or make things easier. They aren't attention seeking. They are expressing feeling and thoughts that they truly believe. I'm not saying any of this to hear people say "ooh but you have an amazing life and you so deserve it" "you are a great person" " don't think those things about yourself ". Because no matter what you say, at the end of the day, I'm still a worthless failure in my own eyes.
If you are the praying type, keep me in your prayers the next two Mondays as I'm trying this new therapy. Let's hope and pray that we can redirect some of these awful thoughts.
Thanks for reading.
It's been quite awhile for me again. I'm not really sure why. I guess just feeling like it's not that big of a deal if I post or not. But I've definitely noticed that blogging helps me. When I don't get things out on here, I bottle them up, and then usually explode. So I need to stop letting this go. This is my safe place that I can let out the ridiculous amounts of emotion in my head on a regular basis. Whether anyone reads or not, it's good therapy for me.
So Monday I start a new therapy called EMDR. It's an eye movement exercise that is supposed to help you kind of reprogram the way your mind works. I've realized through my sessions thus far that my biggest problem is that I am a failure. Or at least, that's what goes through my mind every minute of everyday. I've convinced myself that this is true and so it has become true. I never finish anything completely. I get really excited about things and then just let them go after a few weeks because I feel like I'm not good enough. When I'm working, I feel like I'm not a good enough mother because I'm leaving my kids. When I'm not working I feel like a failure because I can't ever hold a job longer than a few months because I feel like I should be at work and providing financially for our one income family of 5. This struggle goes on in my head daily. Everytime I've had a job I get so anxious and panicked thinking that I'm not doing a good enough job, I should be with my kids, the person training me hates me and thinks I'm stupid, people don't like me, etc. Etc. You should try living in my head sometime. It's great. Really.
I do this with everything in my life. I'm not a good enough wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, etc. That's where my constant need to help everyone and try to fix everything comes from. But, all that does is make the feelings of failure worse because I always come up short. I feel like a disappointment to everyone because I'm 29 years old and have 3 kids and still can't get my crap together.
So, as you can see, I'm definetely in need of some reprogramming. Soon. I know this sounds like a whoa is me post. But it really isn't. I know that I have so much going for me and an amazing life but to me, I don't deserve any of it because I'm worthless. I know. Harsh word right? Try living with that mentality everyday all day and no matter what, never being able to shake it. Hence, why I'm writing. Why I'm going to therapy. Why I'm trying different avenues to try and not feel this way anymore.
Thinking this way is just a downward spiral. And no matter how much I tell myself that it's not true, I truly in my heart, feel that it is. So next time you want to tell someone to suck it up, get over it, move on, don't worry about that stuff, etc. Please just consider the fact that they don't want to feel/think that way. They really don't. It doesn't help them or make things easier. They aren't attention seeking. They are expressing feeling and thoughts that they truly believe. I'm not saying any of this to hear people say "ooh but you have an amazing life and you so deserve it" "you are a great person" " don't think those things about yourself ". Because no matter what you say, at the end of the day, I'm still a worthless failure in my own eyes.
If you are the praying type, keep me in your prayers the next two Mondays as I'm trying this new therapy. Let's hope and pray that we can redirect some of these awful thoughts.
Thanks for reading.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Unfiltered
Hey guys.
So I kind of went off the deep end the last few weeks. Just kind of disappeared into my own world in my head and haven't really reached out. For those of you that actually do read these and like to keep up with my progress...I'm sorry I've left you hanging! Definitely not intentional. So many times I thought, man I should get on there and give an update. Then I thought, eh....no one really cares.
I do that to myself A LOT. Try to convince myself that no one cares. No one will really notice if I don't post. No one will notice if I don't go to church. No one will notice if I start self harming again. No one will pay attention to my moods or if I'm down.
But guess what. That's crap. People do notice. And then I get angry at them. Why should they care what I'm doing with my life? Is it effecting them? Most of the time it's not. Not really. What gives them a right to watch and criticize me?? That's not their job. Only one person can do that. Blah blah blah blah blah. I genuinely dislike when someone takes interest in me or how I'm doing. I disappoint myself enough as it is. I don't want to have to worry about disappointing anyone else. But I do.
The truth is, no matter how much I pretend that I don't give a crap what people think, it's what makes or breaks me. I wear my heart completely on my sleeve. If I am close to you, you will know it. I will do ANYTHING for you. Literally. Anything. If I'm out doing something with my kids or family and something happens to a friend....you better believe I will think of every possible way to try to change my plans to help them or make them happy. It could be something as trivial as they are bored and really wanted someone to hang out with or go to a movie. I'm so afraid of not being the person that they need in that time, that I will change around my entire day to try to cater to everyone else.
Don't get me wrong. I say no. Usually it's when I'm in a bad mood and really just don't want to do anything. At all. Or when I'm reflecting on things and feeling like people are not there for me like I am for them. Then I get resentful and it turns into a big thing where I just say no to everyone for like a week. And obviously, anything with my kids will come first. If I'm busy with them, I can say no and feel justified. But if I'm sitting at home and someone I love is having a hard time in one way or another...yeah.... I will usually be there.
My husband tells me that I have a savior complex. A need to rescue people. He's pretty spot on with that. I like to feel like I can save someone even when I can't save myself from my own mind. If someone is struggling, I want to be the one that fixes things for them. I want to make things all better. And when I can't, I take it VERY personally. Even when what they are doing is to themselves. Or a choice they are making on their own. I can't stop my NEED to make them stop. To change their point of view and their outlook.
But let's be honest.
No one can do that for them just like no one can do that for me. No matter how much I wish someone could take this all away from me. How badly I want someone to just turn off my mind or give me a pill to take it all away. I know that it's not possible. No one can do it for me.
But I honestly don't know how to do it for myself.
I see so many inspirational quotes on Facebook and Pinterest telling me to "Be the change you wish to see!" "There is no remote in life! Get up and change it yourself" "If your path seems too difficult it's just because you have a higher calling!" (WHAT IS THAT??) Or my absolute favorite " I just woke up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like this anymore. So I changed!" Oh, how much I hate these quotes sometimes.
How AMAZING it must be to be these people! I mean, those quotes are totally awesome for greeting cards. Really great. But for the real world? Come on. Let's be realistic. You can't just change everything on a whim if you feel like it. Life has consequences. Bad things happen. Every day. To each and every one of us. Does it help if you have a good attitude about it? Probably. Does it change the fact that life kind of sucks sometimes? Nope. I can have every single positive thought in the book and just live with a smile on my face all day every day. It's not going to change the fact that bad things are going to happen to me. To the people I love. Should I dwell on that? Nope. And I don't plan to. But I really just wish that people could be realistic. Everything isn't rosy. NO ONE is in a good mood all the time. And we shouldn't have to be. I shouldn't have to hide if I'm going through a depressive episode. It's me. It's who I am. If I could change it, I would...most of the time. But I can't. So I deal. And I wish everyone else could too.
Katie
So I kind of went off the deep end the last few weeks. Just kind of disappeared into my own world in my head and haven't really reached out. For those of you that actually do read these and like to keep up with my progress...I'm sorry I've left you hanging! Definitely not intentional. So many times I thought, man I should get on there and give an update. Then I thought, eh....no one really cares.
I do that to myself A LOT. Try to convince myself that no one cares. No one will really notice if I don't post. No one will notice if I don't go to church. No one will notice if I start self harming again. No one will pay attention to my moods or if I'm down.
But guess what. That's crap. People do notice. And then I get angry at them. Why should they care what I'm doing with my life? Is it effecting them? Most of the time it's not. Not really. What gives them a right to watch and criticize me?? That's not their job. Only one person can do that. Blah blah blah blah blah. I genuinely dislike when someone takes interest in me or how I'm doing. I disappoint myself enough as it is. I don't want to have to worry about disappointing anyone else. But I do.
The truth is, no matter how much I pretend that I don't give a crap what people think, it's what makes or breaks me. I wear my heart completely on my sleeve. If I am close to you, you will know it. I will do ANYTHING for you. Literally. Anything. If I'm out doing something with my kids or family and something happens to a friend....you better believe I will think of every possible way to try to change my plans to help them or make them happy. It could be something as trivial as they are bored and really wanted someone to hang out with or go to a movie. I'm so afraid of not being the person that they need in that time, that I will change around my entire day to try to cater to everyone else.
Don't get me wrong. I say no. Usually it's when I'm in a bad mood and really just don't want to do anything. At all. Or when I'm reflecting on things and feeling like people are not there for me like I am for them. Then I get resentful and it turns into a big thing where I just say no to everyone for like a week. And obviously, anything with my kids will come first. If I'm busy with them, I can say no and feel justified. But if I'm sitting at home and someone I love is having a hard time in one way or another...yeah.... I will usually be there.
My husband tells me that I have a savior complex. A need to rescue people. He's pretty spot on with that. I like to feel like I can save someone even when I can't save myself from my own mind. If someone is struggling, I want to be the one that fixes things for them. I want to make things all better. And when I can't, I take it VERY personally. Even when what they are doing is to themselves. Or a choice they are making on their own. I can't stop my NEED to make them stop. To change their point of view and their outlook.
But let's be honest.
No one can do that for them just like no one can do that for me. No matter how much I wish someone could take this all away from me. How badly I want someone to just turn off my mind or give me a pill to take it all away. I know that it's not possible. No one can do it for me.
But I honestly don't know how to do it for myself.
I see so many inspirational quotes on Facebook and Pinterest telling me to "Be the change you wish to see!" "There is no remote in life! Get up and change it yourself" "If your path seems too difficult it's just because you have a higher calling!" (WHAT IS THAT??) Or my absolute favorite " I just woke up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like this anymore. So I changed!" Oh, how much I hate these quotes sometimes.
How AMAZING it must be to be these people! I mean, those quotes are totally awesome for greeting cards. Really great. But for the real world? Come on. Let's be realistic. You can't just change everything on a whim if you feel like it. Life has consequences. Bad things happen. Every day. To each and every one of us. Does it help if you have a good attitude about it? Probably. Does it change the fact that life kind of sucks sometimes? Nope. I can have every single positive thought in the book and just live with a smile on my face all day every day. It's not going to change the fact that bad things are going to happen to me. To the people I love. Should I dwell on that? Nope. And I don't plan to. But I really just wish that people could be realistic. Everything isn't rosy. NO ONE is in a good mood all the time. And we shouldn't have to be. I shouldn't have to hide if I'm going through a depressive episode. It's me. It's who I am. If I could change it, I would...most of the time. But I can't. So I deal. And I wish everyone else could too.
Katie
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Downslide
My emotions are all over the place.
Right now I kind of want to cry, laugh and punch someone all at the same time.
SURPRISE!!!
I am not "cured"!
The medication isn't my magic pill that I thought it might be!
The emotions are in full swing and I have a feeling it's going to be a bumpy ride.
So I'm going to take you all along with me on this awesome journey! Sound like fun? Great! Let's do this.
So I'm on my third week with the medication changes. Last week was pretty much amazing! I was kind of on top of the world! I really thought that my life was just going to be better! It was awesome! I was excited about things again! I was laughing. ALOT. At everything. It felt so good. People saw a change and loved it. So did I. I hadn't felt that happy in a long time.
Then, slowly, it started to fade. Again. The happy feelings that I crave and long for, just weren't there anymore. Every single sound is heightened in the worst possible way. I feel like I'm on the edge of just completely losing my crap on the next person that says something the wrong way. I hate this feeling. When I feel the lump in my throat and every muscle in my body feels so tense it hurts. I know that inevitably I will end up having a crying spell but I always fight it to the very end. Until I can't hold it in anymore. And I end up angry with everyone. Including myself.
Oh, how I honestly can't even stand to be in my own skin at times like this. I so want to be someone else. Someone that doesn't feel this way. Someone else that can turn all of this off and act like none of it is there. Even if I felt this way and could physically and mentally move passed it. I would take that any day over feeling like I have no control over my own mind and body.
Some of you may read this and think, OMG she is such a whiner! Just get over it already! We all have problems right? We all wish that we could just go back to bed some days. We all have things we don't want to do. But you just do it and move on.
Do you know how many times a day I tell myself that?? How much I loathe myself when I feel this way? How worthless I feel everyday because I can't do the normal things that adults do? I spend most of my day trying to "get over it" and "move on". So much so that most of the time I will. I will move on until I can't anymore. That is when I will either have a nervous breakdown of some sort, completely lose it on my family and friends, or go on a spending spree and put us into financial ruin.
So I'm choosing a healthier outlet. This blog is my outlet. A place where I can be real and write out exactly what I'm feeling. Do I feel better right now after typing all of this? A little. But eventually my therapy and medication is going to take effect. And I might not feel so extremely depressed. That is when I can look back on this and realize how much better I am doing. How much I have grown. How much my life and my mind have changed.
I can't wait for that day.
Katie
Right now I kind of want to cry, laugh and punch someone all at the same time.
SURPRISE!!!
I am not "cured"!
The medication isn't my magic pill that I thought it might be!
The emotions are in full swing and I have a feeling it's going to be a bumpy ride.
So I'm going to take you all along with me on this awesome journey! Sound like fun? Great! Let's do this.
So I'm on my third week with the medication changes. Last week was pretty much amazing! I was kind of on top of the world! I really thought that my life was just going to be better! It was awesome! I was excited about things again! I was laughing. ALOT. At everything. It felt so good. People saw a change and loved it. So did I. I hadn't felt that happy in a long time.
Then, slowly, it started to fade. Again. The happy feelings that I crave and long for, just weren't there anymore. Every single sound is heightened in the worst possible way. I feel like I'm on the edge of just completely losing my crap on the next person that says something the wrong way. I hate this feeling. When I feel the lump in my throat and every muscle in my body feels so tense it hurts. I know that inevitably I will end up having a crying spell but I always fight it to the very end. Until I can't hold it in anymore. And I end up angry with everyone. Including myself.
Oh, how I honestly can't even stand to be in my own skin at times like this. I so want to be someone else. Someone that doesn't feel this way. Someone else that can turn all of this off and act like none of it is there. Even if I felt this way and could physically and mentally move passed it. I would take that any day over feeling like I have no control over my own mind and body.
Some of you may read this and think, OMG she is such a whiner! Just get over it already! We all have problems right? We all wish that we could just go back to bed some days. We all have things we don't want to do. But you just do it and move on.
Do you know how many times a day I tell myself that?? How much I loathe myself when I feel this way? How worthless I feel everyday because I can't do the normal things that adults do? I spend most of my day trying to "get over it" and "move on". So much so that most of the time I will. I will move on until I can't anymore. That is when I will either have a nervous breakdown of some sort, completely lose it on my family and friends, or go on a spending spree and put us into financial ruin.
So I'm choosing a healthier outlet. This blog is my outlet. A place where I can be real and write out exactly what I'm feeling. Do I feel better right now after typing all of this? A little. But eventually my therapy and medication is going to take effect. And I might not feel so extremely depressed. That is when I can look back on this and realize how much better I am doing. How much I have grown. How much my life and my mind have changed.
I can't wait for that day.
Katie
Monday, July 20, 2015
Warrior Moms
This video is incredible. Everything that I want women to know is here. It's a great overview of how every woman can experience postpartum differently and for different periods of time! Please watch and share!!
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Rachel Platten - Fight Song (Official Video)
This is the song I tried to add to my last post. This is my anthem. Whenever I'm feeling sorry for myself or like I'm not going to get through, this song picks me up. No matter what you are going through, you still have so much fight left in you!!! Never forget that.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
What I Need the World to Understand About Postpartum Depression
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc
Have you ever felt like you were outside of your body looking in? Have you ever been so disgusted with yourself that you thought you didn't deserve to even live? Have you ever tried to push everyone in your life away because you thought they were all better off without you in their lives? Have you ever held your newborn baby in your arms and felt absolutely nothing?
If you have felt any of those things at any time in your life. I'm truly sorry. I know how that feels.
If you have felt all of these things at once....no words cannot describe how connected I feel to you. And how much my heart breaks for you.
When I wrote the Intro post on this blog I touched a little bit on my Postpartum Depression when I had my son in 2010. Some of you may have read that and thought, Wow. This woman is ridiculous. How can you have a new baby and not feel love in your heart? How can you look in their sweet innocent face and not want to kiss or hug them?
Believe me. Nothing that you thought is something that didn't go through my own mind over and over. Every day.
Maybe you read my post and thought, Oh my gosh. This is me. This is my life. I felt the exact same thing. I had no idea this was a "thing". I thought it was just me.
If that's you, I'm writing for you. I am writing to spread awareness of mental illness in general. But Postpartum has a special place in my heart. It made me who I am today.
Some of you may think, is she crazy? There is no way that she is like she is now because of Postpartum Depression! That stuff is awful! It tears families apart. It separates mothers from their children. I mean, women actually kill their kids in some cases! And in SOME CASES, you would be right. It does do all of those things. Sometimes awful things do happen. But it is not one size fits all. Not every woman going through this is out to kill her children or herself. Did you know that there are actually AT LEAST 5 different ways that Postpartum can present itself. FIVE. Not just one. Do we feel like we want to run away? Like they would be better off without us in their lives? Do we feel guilty? Absolutely. But we aren't trying to hurt anyone. If anything, we are trying to protect them.
Please understand that if a you or a woman you know is going through this, they are not doing it on purpose. They are not doing it to get attention. Or to try to get out of their responsibilities. We want the exact opposite. Many women are hiding how they really feel every single day because of what it would look like to other people. I was criticized over and over during that time. Told that if I would just distract myself I would be able to turn it off. The anxiety that I had every single day would just disappear. I would get through it. You do what you have to do. And the worst, if I couldn't handle it then maybe I shouldn't have had another kid.
Even typing that still hurts my heart.
Please know that I didn't ask for any of this. Why God chose me to walk this journey, I will maybe never know. For right now, I'm going to say that it is to help as many other women as I possibly can to know that Postpartum Depression really is a "THING". It's real.
Please DO NOT compare it to the baby blues. Don't do it. I may punch you in your face. Don't get me wrong, the baby blues can really suck. I had that with my first son. It can feel like you are losing your mind. But Postpartum, that's a whole different beast.
Please don't assume that every woman with Postpartum Depression is trying to hurt/kill her child. If we were, we would have been diagnosed with Postpartum Psychosis!!!! Different things. Different treatment. Just different.
Please know that if you are going through this or have ever gone through this. There is help. Support groups in OUR area! Actually, some pretty great resources are available for you and I can help you find them!
And finally, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be easy on yourself or the person you know going through this time. I GUARANTEE that you/they are being much harder on your/themselves than anyone else ever could be. Know that this too shall pass. You have A LOT of fight left in you!!! Find your own Fight Song!
Be Kind. Always. Everyone is fighting a battle that we know nothing about.
Katie
Monday, July 13, 2015
Adjustment
Hey everyone. Sorry it's been a few days since I posted last! I have definitely been going through an adjustment period. But so far so good.
So, I started my new medication on Wednesday to help with my mood swings. I was told that the medication would probably not help for awhile as it's one that has to build up in your system. Well, I knew I was sensitive to medication but let me just tell you, I have felt AH-MAZING the last few days.
On that note, I am very confused by this new feeling of happiness and relaxation.
I had my counseling appointment this morning and still rated myself very low in regards to how I have felt about myself, relationships, and overall for the week. I was actually very surprised by that. I have been laughing more than I have in a LONG time. I have felt relaxed and have not really been anxious at all. I have been nice to my husband and my kids and not irritated at the little things. So what the heck is my problem??
We talked through it, and I came to the realization that I am extremely uncomfortable with feeling happy. I'm not used to it. People look at my differently and comment about how at ease and happy I seem. I hate that. That makes me feel like they are so used to seeing my miserable and quiet that they are genuinely shocked when I'm not acting that way. So I have actually been trying to stop myself from being different. I have tried to continue in my normal behaviors and act like nothing has changed. Because let's be honest, my doctor flat out told me that this medication was going to take quite awhile before I would see much of a difference. So there is no way that this happiness that I feel is real. I must be MANIC! That's it! I'm just on the other end of the spectrum that I don't get to experience very often! I'm just out of my mind in a different way. This isn't normal either. So I better not get used to feeling good. Or happy. Or relaxed. This is just a stage in my adjustment process. I'm going to be back to my old grumpy, irritated, unhappy self in no time! Then I can go back to being unnoticed! No one will question me then! No one will talk about how they can't believe how different I am!!! Everything will be better when I can just go back to my normal.
BUT I DON'T WANT THAT!!!!!! I WANT to be the person that has popped up in the last couple of days!!! Happy. Ready to go on an adventure! Ready to enjoy the summer and have events at my house! Ready for people to think that me being happy is NORMAL. I'm not Manic. I'm not Depressed. I'm not Bipolar. I'm Katie. Just Katie.
I'm done being my illness. I am tired of feeling like I have a cloud over my head and that people can see it. I'm tired of being frustrated and taking it out on everyone that I love. I love the new feeling of NOT being anxious all the time. I was able to have conversations with people this weekend that I NEVER would have been able to have even two weeks ago!!! I love it.
Am I fully expecting to have setbacks and to feel depressed sometimes? Absolutely. I am human. Just because I'm on medication, does not mean I can't feel emotions. I can be angry, upset, anxious, tired, happy, elated, and everything in between!! And I'm okay with that. I want to feel everything again! Feeling numb sucks! I'm done with that! I don't know why I'm already seeing a change. According to a medical professional, this shouldn't be happening. I should still have a couple weeks of misery.
But it is. It's happening. And it feels amazing. This is the me that I want to be. And I'm ready to embrace her.
*Katie*
So, I started my new medication on Wednesday to help with my mood swings. I was told that the medication would probably not help for awhile as it's one that has to build up in your system. Well, I knew I was sensitive to medication but let me just tell you, I have felt AH-MAZING the last few days.
On that note, I am very confused by this new feeling of happiness and relaxation.
I had my counseling appointment this morning and still rated myself very low in regards to how I have felt about myself, relationships, and overall for the week. I was actually very surprised by that. I have been laughing more than I have in a LONG time. I have felt relaxed and have not really been anxious at all. I have been nice to my husband and my kids and not irritated at the little things. So what the heck is my problem??
We talked through it, and I came to the realization that I am extremely uncomfortable with feeling happy. I'm not used to it. People look at my differently and comment about how at ease and happy I seem. I hate that. That makes me feel like they are so used to seeing my miserable and quiet that they are genuinely shocked when I'm not acting that way. So I have actually been trying to stop myself from being different. I have tried to continue in my normal behaviors and act like nothing has changed. Because let's be honest, my doctor flat out told me that this medication was going to take quite awhile before I would see much of a difference. So there is no way that this happiness that I feel is real. I must be MANIC! That's it! I'm just on the other end of the spectrum that I don't get to experience very often! I'm just out of my mind in a different way. This isn't normal either. So I better not get used to feeling good. Or happy. Or relaxed. This is just a stage in my adjustment process. I'm going to be back to my old grumpy, irritated, unhappy self in no time! Then I can go back to being unnoticed! No one will question me then! No one will talk about how they can't believe how different I am!!! Everything will be better when I can just go back to my normal.
BUT I DON'T WANT THAT!!!!!! I WANT to be the person that has popped up in the last couple of days!!! Happy. Ready to go on an adventure! Ready to enjoy the summer and have events at my house! Ready for people to think that me being happy is NORMAL. I'm not Manic. I'm not Depressed. I'm not Bipolar. I'm Katie. Just Katie.
I'm done being my illness. I am tired of feeling like I have a cloud over my head and that people can see it. I'm tired of being frustrated and taking it out on everyone that I love. I love the new feeling of NOT being anxious all the time. I was able to have conversations with people this weekend that I NEVER would have been able to have even two weeks ago!!! I love it.
Am I fully expecting to have setbacks and to feel depressed sometimes? Absolutely. I am human. Just because I'm on medication, does not mean I can't feel emotions. I can be angry, upset, anxious, tired, happy, elated, and everything in between!! And I'm okay with that. I want to feel everything again! Feeling numb sucks! I'm done with that! I don't know why I'm already seeing a change. According to a medical professional, this shouldn't be happening. I should still have a couple weeks of misery.
But it is. It's happening. And it feels amazing. This is the me that I want to be. And I'm ready to embrace her.
*Katie*
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Hope
This quote has kind of become my mantra. It really is true. I can't count the number of times in my life that I have thought I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to live that way. I just wanted to curl up and not participate in daily life. Or, that I wanted to run away. Far away from all of my responsibilities. Far away from anyone that knew me so that I could maybe just start over in life.
But, being the person that I am, I know that I would last about 2 hours being away from my support system. I need the people in my life so much that the thought of being away from them is just way too scary. These people are the reason that I have kept fighting. My husband, my children, my family, my friends. They all have their own special place in my journey.
I've learned that no matter how bad things seem, I can keep going. I can come out on the other side of one of my depressive or manic episodes. It might not be pretty, but I will make it one way or another.
I was able to see a psychiatrist yesterday. THANK THE LORD! So I am now on the road to recovery. I realize just in the matter of taking new medication, I have grown so much. I have an incredible fear of medication and their side effects. I am almost always convinced that any new medication is going to kill me. That I will have an awful reaction and end up in the hospital.
Do I still have that fear? Absolutely. Did I happen to text a few close friends/family last night and ask them repeatedly if I was going to die? You bet. But I took the medicine. I took it. Without even thinking that I shouldn't. Taking it wasn't even a question anymore. Do you know how big of a deal that is for me?? HUGE! Even thought it is a small victory, the sense of accomplishment that I have is beyond compare!
So even though I feel like I can't most of the time, I will keep going. And I will see the other side of this. We all have our own struggles that we have to get through. Just remember that the mind plays evil tricks on us. It convinces us that we can't. That we don't deserve to feel better. That we are never going to be normal again. I've learned to look at my mind as a bully. It really is. Our own negative thoughts will leave us crippled. They will keep us from being the best version of ourselves.
So talk to yourself. Yes, I'm condoning this crazy act. Haha! Tell yourself that you are done being the victim to your own thoughts. You are ready to live. Ready to shine.
Because we all deserve at least that.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Reflection
First off, I want to give a shout out to everyone that has read my posts so far! If I know you, thank you for the support and kind words you have all given me. If I don't know you, please introduce yourself! I love meeting new people!
OK. So, I had my first official counseling appointment today. That was fun.
Lots of reflecting going on. Reflection on why I think the way I do. How I plan to fix it. What could I be telling myself instead of negative self talk?
Let me just talk for a second here. I'm sorry, but isn't that what they are supposed to be telling me?? I know I know. You can't make the change until you want to make it or whatever it is they say. Of course I want to make the change! I wouldn't be sitting in their office if I didn't. Also, I wouldn't be sitting in that same office if I knew how to fix i. I know how counseling works. I know it's all about inner reflection and getting to the root of your thoughts. I know that you have to realize why you do things before you can begin to heal or fix it. But danget, I want to be fixed now. Right now. I want all of this negative to just go away. I don't want it to be rare for people to see me truly happy. I don't want my kids asking if I'm happy today. I don't want my husband to wake up not knowing what kind of mood his wife is going to be in that day. When I think about how much this has hurt me and everyone close to me, it doesn't really help that negative self talk. I don't want to be this way. Yet, I can't escape it. I can't change it today like I want to. I can't be someone that I'm not. So in all honesty, the fear of changing and evolving scares the crap out of me.
How do I become happy? How do I change the person I've been for 29 years and know if I'm still me? This me is the only thing I've known. To act a different way or to change my feelings, thoughts and emotions is pretty scary.
Have you ever felt like you just wanted to stay miserable? You didn't want to hear anyone say "It's going to be OK" or "Things will be better soon." You want to just wallow in your own self pity and stick with what you know best. Am I alone on that? Who else gets so comfortable with their normal that even though they know if not healthy, they want to do it anyway?
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Intro: Part 2
Fast forward to January 2015.
I was tired. Completely drained. I didn't want to do anything. Everything annoyed me beyond measure. I didn't want to pretend anymore. I couldn't hold a job to save my life. But I felt it was necessary to go shopping on any day ending in Y. Needless to say, I got my family into a very bad situation financially and emotionally. I decided it was time to visit my physician and maybe change up my antidepressant.
Over the next couple of months, I was put on Prozac. I thought that I had found my answer. It was obviously just the antidepressant that I thought was working before that was the problem! I was so happy on Prozac! It was amazing! I wanted to be involved in things again. I was a backstage manager for our church play and was beyond excited to be back helping with a stage production! Everyone who saw me, commented on how happy I was! They loved my enthusiasm and the energy that was radiating out of me. I was joking about everything and just loving life. I had finally found the solution to my problem. Those stupid doctors had no idea what they were talking about a couple of years ago!
Then in May, someone flipped a switch. I was annoyed with everyone and everything. I had nothing good happening in my life (from my point of view). For the first time in my life, I actually started thinking, what's the point in living? On a drive home one day, I actually thought about how I might kill myself if I were to do it. And it didn't scare me. That was when I knew, something was very wrong. I am the girl that is scared of death. Suicide had never even entered my mind before this. So I went back to my physician. I told her I just wanted to go back on my antidepressant that I knew would keep me sane. The antidepressant I had taken for years. So I went back to it. I told myself everything would be fine now. But it wasn't.
The depression just got worse. The irritability was through the roof. I was just yelling at everyone for everything and my marriage was really hurting. I didn't know what to do. This medicine that had always helped was no longer doing anything. I couldn't take it.
So, just a few weeks ago, I decided that it was time to see an actual psychiatrist again. I took their survey and was informed, once again, that I was struggling with Bipolar Disorder. I completely broke down in the office. I had such a stigma in my own head of what Bipolar was. I thought I was doomed for life. He proceeded to tell me that this was not a death sentence. This was a good thing. Once my medication was figured out, I would be a new person. Happy and able to participate fully in life.
That didn't sound so bad.
So I started this blog, to journal about my ups and downs with this disorder. I want a place where I can just air out everything I'm feeling with no judgement. I'm ready to accept this part of myself and to try to maybe help others like me in the process.
The only advice I have, since I'm at the very beginning of this journey, would be DO NOT listen to the stigma that comes with Bipolar Disorder. It's not a cookie cutter illness. Everyone experiences this differently. You are not crazy. You are still you. Just because you have Bipolar does not mean that you are psychotic. I will say, I do wish they would come up with another name for mood stabilizers besides anti-psychotics though. That doesn't really help that stigma. But I digress.....
Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story. Introduce yourself if you have read this far! Would love to meet as many new people as I can! Have a great Sunday everyone!
I was tired. Completely drained. I didn't want to do anything. Everything annoyed me beyond measure. I didn't want to pretend anymore. I couldn't hold a job to save my life. But I felt it was necessary to go shopping on any day ending in Y. Needless to say, I got my family into a very bad situation financially and emotionally. I decided it was time to visit my physician and maybe change up my antidepressant.
Over the next couple of months, I was put on Prozac. I thought that I had found my answer. It was obviously just the antidepressant that I thought was working before that was the problem! I was so happy on Prozac! It was amazing! I wanted to be involved in things again. I was a backstage manager for our church play and was beyond excited to be back helping with a stage production! Everyone who saw me, commented on how happy I was! They loved my enthusiasm and the energy that was radiating out of me. I was joking about everything and just loving life. I had finally found the solution to my problem. Those stupid doctors had no idea what they were talking about a couple of years ago!
Then in May, someone flipped a switch. I was annoyed with everyone and everything. I had nothing good happening in my life (from my point of view). For the first time in my life, I actually started thinking, what's the point in living? On a drive home one day, I actually thought about how I might kill myself if I were to do it. And it didn't scare me. That was when I knew, something was very wrong. I am the girl that is scared of death. Suicide had never even entered my mind before this. So I went back to my physician. I told her I just wanted to go back on my antidepressant that I knew would keep me sane. The antidepressant I had taken for years. So I went back to it. I told myself everything would be fine now. But it wasn't.
The depression just got worse. The irritability was through the roof. I was just yelling at everyone for everything and my marriage was really hurting. I didn't know what to do. This medicine that had always helped was no longer doing anything. I couldn't take it.
So, just a few weeks ago, I decided that it was time to see an actual psychiatrist again. I took their survey and was informed, once again, that I was struggling with Bipolar Disorder. I completely broke down in the office. I had such a stigma in my own head of what Bipolar was. I thought I was doomed for life. He proceeded to tell me that this was not a death sentence. This was a good thing. Once my medication was figured out, I would be a new person. Happy and able to participate fully in life.
That didn't sound so bad.
So I started this blog, to journal about my ups and downs with this disorder. I want a place where I can just air out everything I'm feeling with no judgement. I'm ready to accept this part of myself and to try to maybe help others like me in the process.
The only advice I have, since I'm at the very beginning of this journey, would be DO NOT listen to the stigma that comes with Bipolar Disorder. It's not a cookie cutter illness. Everyone experiences this differently. You are not crazy. You are still you. Just because you have Bipolar does not mean that you are psychotic. I will say, I do wish they would come up with another name for mood stabilizers besides anti-psychotics though. That doesn't really help that stigma. But I digress.....
Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story. Introduce yourself if you have read this far! Would love to meet as many new people as I can! Have a great Sunday everyone!
Intro: Part 1
Hey guys.
So this is my first blogging experience and I'm hoping that we can both get a little something out of it! Hopefully some entertainment for you, and a place to air out all of my emotions for me.
I'm going to start out giving an introduction. My story is rather long so I will probably break it up into a couple of posts. First off, I am a 29 year old mother of 3 wonderful, silly, stubborn children. I am also a wife to an amazing man that loves me no matter my flaws. I couldn't ask for anything better. Really. The life that I have is completely perfect. Or at least it should be.
Despite all of the amazing things in my life, I tend to have to talk myself into participating in life most days. I have struggled with depression, anxiety and OCD for as long as I can remember. I really had never done much about it. Just have gone through life with no real help and keeping everything hidden. I finally got to the point in 2010 where I couldn't hide things anymore. I had just had my second son and had developed a severe case of postpartum depression. I honestly don't remember most of the time. Looking back on it, it feels like I am recalling someone else doing the things that I did. It was like I was not in my own body or mind. I was a completely different person. I ran away from the responsibilities of my newborn and 2 year old sons. I kept things from my husband. I was obsessed with death and everything that it entailed. I had myself convinced that I was going to die. I had two major breakdowns that landed me in the mental health unit twice. I almost lost everything during that time. Thank God for an understanding husband and family that got me through that huge mess in my life. I wouldn't be here today without them.
During that time in the hospital I was told numerous times that I was not just struggling with the depression/anxiety/OCD that I knew I had. They told me that I was Bipolar.
I completely bulked at this idea. There is NO WAY that I'm THAT crazy. I know people who are Bipolar. I am NOT that. That's just silly. I'm not violent. I'm not out of control (most of the time). I have (enough of) a handle on everything. I'm fine. They are just trying to put a label on me and drug me up. Which, at the time, I was convinced all medications were going to kill me so I REALLY wanted nothing to do with their treatment plan for me.
I spent the next couple of years trying to convince myself and my family that this diagnosis was completely wrong. That I was completely fine and they didn't need to worry about me. We even had another baby in 2013. Everyone was so afraid that I was going to go down the same path as I did 3 years ago. Myself included. I told myself that I really needed to prove that I wasn't crazy. So I became the exact opposite. I was like super mom. I had my three children under 5 and I was rocking it! At least from what everyone else could see. It helped that my baby girl was an AMAZING baby. She slept through the night from the very beginning. She had no stomach problems and was completely content to lay on the floor with a few toys and just play. It was incredible.
But deep down, I knew that I should have been happier. I shouldn't feel like I have to put on a fake smile everyday and try to convince everyone that I'm better than I really am. It was exhausting for me to be happy. It literally took every ounce of my energy.
Have you ever felt like you were living a double life? Everyone else sees one person when you are really someone completely different?
Part 2 coming shortly!
So this is my first blogging experience and I'm hoping that we can both get a little something out of it! Hopefully some entertainment for you, and a place to air out all of my emotions for me.
I'm going to start out giving an introduction. My story is rather long so I will probably break it up into a couple of posts. First off, I am a 29 year old mother of 3 wonderful, silly, stubborn children. I am also a wife to an amazing man that loves me no matter my flaws. I couldn't ask for anything better. Really. The life that I have is completely perfect. Or at least it should be.
Despite all of the amazing things in my life, I tend to have to talk myself into participating in life most days. I have struggled with depression, anxiety and OCD for as long as I can remember. I really had never done much about it. Just have gone through life with no real help and keeping everything hidden. I finally got to the point in 2010 where I couldn't hide things anymore. I had just had my second son and had developed a severe case of postpartum depression. I honestly don't remember most of the time. Looking back on it, it feels like I am recalling someone else doing the things that I did. It was like I was not in my own body or mind. I was a completely different person. I ran away from the responsibilities of my newborn and 2 year old sons. I kept things from my husband. I was obsessed with death and everything that it entailed. I had myself convinced that I was going to die. I had two major breakdowns that landed me in the mental health unit twice. I almost lost everything during that time. Thank God for an understanding husband and family that got me through that huge mess in my life. I wouldn't be here today without them.
During that time in the hospital I was told numerous times that I was not just struggling with the depression/anxiety/OCD that I knew I had. They told me that I was Bipolar.
I completely bulked at this idea. There is NO WAY that I'm THAT crazy. I know people who are Bipolar. I am NOT that. That's just silly. I'm not violent. I'm not out of control (most of the time). I have (enough of) a handle on everything. I'm fine. They are just trying to put a label on me and drug me up. Which, at the time, I was convinced all medications were going to kill me so I REALLY wanted nothing to do with their treatment plan for me.
I spent the next couple of years trying to convince myself and my family that this diagnosis was completely wrong. That I was completely fine and they didn't need to worry about me. We even had another baby in 2013. Everyone was so afraid that I was going to go down the same path as I did 3 years ago. Myself included. I told myself that I really needed to prove that I wasn't crazy. So I became the exact opposite. I was like super mom. I had my three children under 5 and I was rocking it! At least from what everyone else could see. It helped that my baby girl was an AMAZING baby. She slept through the night from the very beginning. She had no stomach problems and was completely content to lay on the floor with a few toys and just play. It was incredible.
But deep down, I knew that I should have been happier. I shouldn't feel like I have to put on a fake smile everyday and try to convince everyone that I'm better than I really am. It was exhausting for me to be happy. It literally took every ounce of my energy.
Have you ever felt like you were living a double life? Everyone else sees one person when you are really someone completely different?
Part 2 coming shortly!
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